Ruined For Life

Life Updates

2007-11-09T01:02:00.001-08:00

Not going to spend time with the usual, "haven't blogged in awhile" stuff. Not even going to promise I'll be blogging every week starting now. Just felt inspired to write a bit here, much like I'm occasionally inspired to take a shower every month or two (whether I need it or not). What can I say? We love living here.

For those of you that don't know, our day-to-day situation has changed somewhat. I'm actually working for Pepperdine again, in what has turned out to be a wonderful blessings of circumstances. Starting this past August, I assumed the role of Project Director for the Shanghai International Program; that's right, we happened to move to the location of Pepperdine's next full-time international program. So far, everything has been wonderful; the work is very enjoyable, and I have a wonderful Chinese coworker, Huiliang (William). We've been busy meeting with potential partner universities here in Shanghai, looking for properties to locate the Pepperdine facility, and even made a recruitment trip back to Malibu in September to promote the program (visit ShanghaiWaves.com to see the site I put up for the program, and the recruitment video I made, which gives a good glimpse into the city here). Not doing language classes anymore, but am doing private tutoring 3 times a week for 2 hours, which I am enjoying more at this point.

Part of the experience of living overseas (especially in a culture that does not speak your native tongue) is the reality of surrendering to your agenda on any given day. Not everything is unpredictable, of course, but things are inevitably more complicated to do for a variety of reasons. Buying clothes is more than spending money; it is a decision to use a decent amount of energy in speaking a new language, bargaining with a person that gives you a special 'foreign-devil' price, and choosing whether it is worth the effort to comparison shop to save a few bucks. Even language itself is a daily lesson in discipline and humility; in order to grow, you have to work hard, fumble through new words and sound stupid until it becomes natural, then start over with new material the next day. And then in my case, you get to go back and be stupid all over again after you've forgotten the lessons from your humiliation the week before. There is surrender involved. A surrender of pride, a surrender of many little things you didn't realize gave you stability or confidence or comfort in your former surroundings, and a surrender of your agenda to make things happen in a certain way. This is what defines what God is teaching me lately; as a good friend of mine has says back in the US:

"The greatest freedom in this kingdom is from the tyranny
of your own desires, agendas and plans."

How true I think that is, and how freeing indeed.

Blessings to you all, wherever you are. I'll try to hang out here a bit more often!

I'm Kind of a Big Deal... People Kind of Know Me (In Shanghai)

2007-02-24T19:06:00.000-08:00

Well, we made it to Shanghai just fine, and three weeks later are basically settled into our new apartment (a 13th floor 3br. 2ba. with great balcony views), and almost adjusted to our 4 hours of Mandarin class every day. As many of you know, we fled the United States to escape from the spotlight of US media coverage - like so many before us (TomKat, Brangelina, and CarrotTop ...) we were known as "Coch" (Corrie/Chris) in the tabloids. The hole we left was, of course, immediately filled by Vidaham (David and Victoria Beckham), who soon became the new victims of larger-than-life stardom. All we wanted was a calm, peaceful, and secluded life in rural Shanghai, where we could roam amidst 21 million people without being recognized. We should have known better...

Channel 'Young' (I don't actually know the Chinese name) decided to do a feature on us - sort of an official "China loves and welcomes the Van Velzers" news clip. They came to our apartment, and we decided it would be best to invite a few friends over (including Charlie "Chuck" Engelmann, who we have sort of hired as our Manny to open our front door, etc.). We should have known that fame knows no borders - that every language knows the word 'superstar' - and that being international celebrities is in our blood, not just our stylish clothes, ridiculous contribution to pop culture, and totally unfounded political opinions.

So, I decided to make this blog a first for Ruined For Life - a VanVideo Blog. You'll have to excuse the quality of the video from the program - I had to film the TV with our video camera, which causes massive problems with flickering. We've seen ourselves on TV so many times, it just wasn't worth buying a digital recorder for such a small segment.

With any luck, by the time you have finished reading this, the video below will have mostly preloaded (depending on your internet speed, although it is a beefy download). I also took the liberty of adding some subtitles, so that our Western friends could understand all of the Chinese. If you do know Chinese, you might pick up something in the program about "interviewing foreigners" and "seeing what they do for Chinese Spring Festival" - but that's just because the Chinese words for those phrases sound exactly like, "interviewing international superstars Chris and Corrie."

I'm going to go comfort Corrie now - she has been so overwhelmed by the media attention that she broke down and shaved her head yesterday, and got a tattoo of an armadillo and an eggplant on her forehead. I hope you enjoy!

(Note: the real story behind this video is that China is fascinated with foreigners in general, especially foreigners living in China. A friend of Chuck's called him to see if he and some foreigner friends could do a quick segment on what foreigners do for 'Spring Festival' - the Chinese New Year, which has been going on all week (blog to come on that later). We filmed it at our place, since we are fortunate enough to have a pretty big kitchen and apartment. I think just about every foreigner in China has to be on Chinese television at least once as the token 'wai guo ren' (lit: outside-country person, or foreigner). We just got our opportunity sooner than later!)

Totally Unspiritual Post: Learning Chinese

2007-01-27T08:21:00.001-08:00

In anticipation of our move to Shanghai, I have been working hard on making sure I have some basic phrases down, and I thought that I would share some of those with you here. In learning any language, you really want to make sure that you've always got the basics covered - especially since meeting people tends to be comprised of the exact same conversation - something like, "Good to meet you. My name is Chris. I am American. Did you know your squatty potty is overflowing? Yes, that is what smells." There are lots of other useful phrases though, some of which people don't think of. If you only memorize the basics, it can be very limiting in early conversations.

Although many people think Mandarin is very hard to learn, it's really not. In fact, if you memorize the list below, you too can master the basics we have been working on. Don't worry about tones - although they communicate meaning in Mandarin, these phrases would be very difficult for a Chinese person not to understand. Just say them as it feels right, and you should be fine.

"That's not right"
= "Sum Ting Wong"

"Are you harboring a fugitive?"
= "Hu Yu Hai Ding"

"See me ASAP."
= "Kum Hia Nao"

"Small Horse..."
= "Tai Ni PoNi"

"Did you go to the beach?"
= "Wai Yu So Tan"

"I bumped into a coffee table."
= "Ai Bang Mai Dam Ni"

"I think you need a face lift."
= "Chin Tu Fat"

"It's very dark in here."
= "Wai So Dim"

"I thought you were on a diet."
= "Wai Yu Mun Ching"

"This is a tow away zone."
= "No Pah King"

"Our meeting is scheduled for next week."
= "Wai Yu Kum Nao"

"Staying out of sight."
= "Lei Ying Lo"

"He's cleaning his automobile."
= "Wa Shing Ka"

"Your body odor is offensive."
= "Yu Stin Ki Pu"

"Do I speak clearly?"
= "Wai Yu La Fa"

I hope this has been helpful for you. We will be in Shanghai in about 72 hours, and covet your conversations with Dad!

The Comings and Goings of Life

2007-01-21T06:51:00.000-08:00

Okay, so blogging has been really, really non-existant. It's not that I've had nothing to write about in China - on the contrary, there has been a lot happening here. But the longer it's been since I last posted a blog entry, and life stacks up more and more - until before you know it, the pressure of your "I'm baaaaack" blog builds like a stomach full of mentos doused with a few big gulps of soda. So don't expect anything great or incredible from this entry - it's just me forcing myself to break the ice after a long, unintentional break.

So we live in Hong Kong. Well, we live in Hong Kong for another week. On January 30th, we move to Shanghai - where we will be as long as God has us there, as long as God is thinking 3-5 years like we are. The last 5 months here have been an absolute whirlwind; Mandarin classes every day, living with the Zacharias, going from a hyper-active social life with friends to a basically non-existant one. The hardest challenge has been the feeling of 'being neither here nor there' - we primarily came to Hong Kong first to have a unique time with the family, and to get to know Kylee Ming - who became our sister in August (or 150 sleeps, as she would say in broken, but really good English). But knowing that we were going to be moving to Shanghai in 5 months wasn't much motivation for getting 'plugged in' to a social scene here - which, although different, was also kind of refreshing. Although we miss our friends and family in the States tremendously, we are really looking forward to putting some roots down, and really starting to form an identity of 'our own lives' in Shanghai.

Life is again, about to change dramatically - and we'll be bumping up our study schedule from 2 hours a day to 4 hours a day - including studing Hanyu characters. We'll have an apartment of our own, which we need to find and move into with 5 days, which is when our classes start. We're enrolled at a language school that is affiliated with a University, which is good, but also means we will have very few vacations between now and June. Our speaking is coming along well, but living in Shanghai will dramatically improve our confidence and practical conversation skillset within the first few months, and be the key for foundational fluency within the somewhat foreseeable future. Once we've settled into our study-schedule, we'll start working part-time; there are a few opportunties we'll choose between when we get there.

It really is strange to think of what our life was like 6 months ago, and what it will be like in another 6 months. I am constantly amazed at the way Father uses everything - and I mean everything - to teach us, and bring us closer in our relationship.

So that's the update. Now I can start posting on random, deep, or other topics without feeling like they'd be inappropriate to post out of the blue. Hope life is treating you well, wherever you are.

The Church I Know...

2006-10-03T01:00:00.000-07:00

I think by now we can all acknowledge that I'm a slacker when it comes to posting on my blog here. No, no - don't try to defend me... it's true. If it makes you feel any better, I will spend at least 2 hours tonight verbally flogging myself with really difficult Mandarin words. If that doesn't make up for it, then either this posting will, or it REALLY won't. A little over a week ago, a friend and I launched TheChurchYouKnow.com. It is the project that has been sucking up all of my creative web energy that would normally go into RuinedForLife... and I think that although this site has suffered lately for it, it was worth the wait.

Even as I post this, I am a little "nervous" doing so. I don't mean 'nervous' in the sense that my armpits are sweating and my bowels are preparing for the usual 'fight or flight - but first let me drop a load' response. I mean I'm a little... self-consciously nervous. Allow me to explain...

I know there are many people that read this site that I don't at all. I don't care about you. (I'm just kidding - c'mere, and gimme a hug). Then there are those that have stalked me my whole life and caused me to flee to Hong Kong for safety. But then, there are a lot of people (like, at LEAST 4 and a half people) that I do know personally, whether as a friend or family member. Many in this latter category (though not all) attend a local church service regularly. You'll understand more when you visit the site, but although I wish I could say that I've talked with each of you personally about some of my loves and frustrations with 'church life,' I haven't. This site definitely has some videos that are on the border of irreverance (and some might even say they are way past the border, enjoying a Corona somewhere in southern Mexico...). I guess at the end of the day, I want those people to know I still love and respect you and where God has you, even if you don't relate to this site at all - and as you know me for who I am, if we haven't been able to talk about these specific things, it's not because I had anything to hide... it just doesn't always comme up in the course of hanging out.

To the people that I haven't had a chance to talk with about some of these issues personally, I guess I would say that if we get the chance, or if you have any questions, I'd love to at any time. I'd recommend starting with a good look at the 'credo' page of the site before you watch the videos, as this is really where the heart behind our content is described. I'm not anti-church. And if you know me, you certainly know I'm pro-Jesus. But I do want to see the larger Church changed into a greater likeness of Christ... and these videos highlight just a few of the issues that I have come to take with what man has added to a relationship with God. Maybe I'm being overly paranoid, since we really have recieved an overwhelmingly positive response to the site and videos. But just in case it catches anyone off guard, I wanted to explain it to those that know me personally first.

Hope you enjoy... and if you don't, I hope the site will at least lead us to a conversation and discussion that draws us closer to Him. I have faith that despite my occasional irreverent humor, He is more than able to allow whatever is good to bear it's fruit, and whatever is bad to fall off the tree and into irrelevance.

P.S.: I would also say that if you're inclined, I'd recommend posting something in the forum on the site and joining the discussion there, as I think there is some potential for great discussion to take place on some of these issues.

From China, With Love

2006-08-19T19:43:00.000-07:00

Wherever they may find you, these words are originating somewhere over the Pacific Ocean, in between the two continents that hold virtually all of my past, and much of my future. Things have been slow on the website for the past month and a half (and by slow, I mean slow like watching a video in slow motion of molasses running down the back of a turtle. In the North Pole.) Everything has been given away, prepared for storage, or packed into our four suitcases – carefully planned not to exceed the designated Asian weight limit unit of “one elephant”. We have said our goodbyes to many, many people. We have changed our addresses, sold and donated our cars, trained our work replacements, and left Pepperdine University, which has been home for longer than any other place I have lived. And we have answered the question, “why are you moving to China” approximately one quintillibillion times, which, as anyone who has studied theoretical math knows, is almost twice as much as a bazillion, and four times as much as the number of news reports about Mel Gibson’s meltdown 3 miles away from our now former home.

Life has been busy since my last update. For one, just over a week ago, we met our new sister for the first time; her name is Kylee, and boy is she a firecracker. Kylee was adopted through fully miraculous circumstances by Corrie’s parents; she will be six in just a few weeks, is from central China, and, because she speaks mostly Mandarin still, is able to scream in each of Mandarin’s four tones – rising, falling, biting, and ear-drum-splitting. Honestly though, I can already tell that she is an exceptional kid – and she has handled the transition from orphanage to BIG family very well.

As I have mentioned in previous blogs, Corrie and I have finally completed our move to China; we will be living with the Zacharia pack in Hong Kong for the fall – in part to have a soft landing in China and a bonding experience with Kylee and the Zacharia family, and in part to begin our goal of becoming fluent in Mandarin (which we will be working on for the next several millennia). Granted, Hong Kong isn’t exactly the perfect place to be getting our start in Mandarin, as it is a Cantonese speaking city, but it’ll do for stupid beginners who currently only know Chinese phrases like, “Kung Pao” and “Knee How Maw.” In the spring, we will make another move – to a large, and yet undetermined major Chinese city – more than likely Shanghai. From there we plan on starting our own empire of Panda Express franchises, which, shockingly, no one has thought of doing in China.

There is a lot that we don’t know right now. Frankly, I’ve never had so much peace and confidence in a decision that entails so little information at this point. At the end of the day, God is with us – right here, right now. As strange as it feels, it is incredibly exciting not to know all the answers, or have a fully formed comfort zone, or to be able to ask the man next to me whether he prefers to fold or scrunch his toilet paper (currently, my attempts to communicate this question through the international language of charades is only being met with nervous stares.) We’ll be studying Mandarin for at least the next year full-time, but beyond that – the world is literally wide open. Well, China is, at least – which is 1/5th of the world. So here’s to the future, my friends, and – as a dear friend of mine would say – life abundant, with abandon.

How Do I Respond To Pain, Redux

2006-06-22T18:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm sitting in the airport in Nashville, TN. - on a much longer layover than I expected, en route to St. Louis. And of course, gnawing on my conscience like a rat on a cheeto is the fact that I haven't done a post to RFL since (insert incredibly witty statment here that makes you think, "God, it was worth reading this post just for that!").

So I'm pulling the ultimate blogger no-no; I am about to complete the web equivalent of spitting your gum out on the sidewalk in Singapore, or buying a Kevin Federline album. I'm reposting a blog from almost a year ago.

I know. But in my defense, I don't think most of my current readers take the time to go alll the way back to read my early stuff, and frankly, I had some good early stuff that I still think about and process from time to time. The problem was, my early stuff was read by RFL's two unique visitors at the time - namely, myself and Andrew Brumme, and now sits buried under over a year's worth of other postings. Here's the deal though: now that RFL has over 2,000 unique visitors a month, I would actually like to expand this posting with your help.

In the later part of the blog, there are some listings for different knee-jerk euphamisms or responses to the experience of pain in other people's lives... now is your chance to add the stock responses and an appropriate name in the comments section! I know there are more readers now... but I have such a totally suck-ass comment scene. So if you read with any regularity - now is your chance to be known. Include your name and where abouts you're hailing from... even if you can't think of anything legitimate to post. Example:

I'm Chris and I'm from Malibu... holla. Been with RFL from the beginning. Great stuff. Here is a response I have heard often...
"The Nut-Smasher: Who know's what God is doing with all this crap you're experiencing [friend kicks you in the groin] - but I'll bet that takes your mind off of it for awhile!"

Make sense? Then without further ado, here is the repost of "How Do I Respond To Pain.":
-------------------
Saturday, I had a conversation with a good friend about some of his recent frustrations. He is in a job right now that is really not fulfilling to him, and feels stuck and unable to move forward in really pursuing the vocation he feels called to. For the better part of a year, he and his wife have been praying that God would provide some new work opportunity, or open the door to something else. Adding to the problem, his current job is relatively far away from home, and moving is not really an option, unless it is to a new job that is going to be able to financially provide for his family.

Although he has been researching and making calls on other opportunities that are more in line with the career he wants to pursue, about a month and a half ago he was contacted by someone whom he had given his resume a while back. The job itself was almost perfect: it was within 10 minutes of home, a move in line with his dream career, a good environment with Christians, and they had contacted him! The hitch was that the position was currently slated to be part-time, and thus could not provide financially unless it was restructured to be full-time. In talking with the organization, my friend was told to put together a proposal for making the position full-time position (and detailing what he would do with it), and last week, the "powers that be" had a meeting to review funding the position as such.

Many of us have been in a situation like this before - maybe not with a job, but with something else that we desperately want God to do. Then, after a long and patient wait, it seems that He is moving on our prayers! We watch with amazement as "divine circumstances" and prayers seem to finally intersect, and wonder at how God could so masterfully weave the improbable with reality. Often, as the fulfillment of the desire gets closer and closer, we feel affirmed in our hearts and spirits, and even can feel like God is confirming that this is what He wants for us. For example, my experience came when I was 14 and waiting to come out of puberty... or, uh... waiting for a friend to come out of puberty. But I digress.

Sometimes, He does confirm his word, and it happens. Other times, however, everything falls through at the last minute when everything seemed like it was all but in the bag. Or even worse... the object of our desire stalls just short of cresting that last hill, and rolls back further than it came in the first place. In my friend's case, everything seemed to be going swimmingly until he received a message on his answering machine: "Some new things came up, and we've filled the position internally."

After over a year of waiting, and coming so close to something that seemed so right on so many levels, one has to ask: “Why God?” Why tease me with this? Why bring something so close, only to have it not work out? Why not just let me keep praying until You are ready to bring it to fruition? Is this even what You want for me? I thought this is what You were saying... I thought You were leading me to this? What gives?

This is really not very different from any type of painful event in our lives – whether a deep desire is kept from us, or a good thing in our life is suddenly taken away or ruined – health, relationship, a home. All of us have been there for something.There are several responses that I have heard over the years in situations like this, and often times, if you share the issue with enough people, you’ll hear each at least once! Among the favorites:

The Cinderella: You may think that you've lost the prince forever and that joy was just a fool's dream, but God's about do something even more amazing in your life! Just wait!

The Joshua: You can see the Promised Land... just claim it in faith man! It's yours if you just keep marching around those walls and believe. Claim it! Pray even more!

The Moses: Maybe there is something in your life that is keeping you from "entering in" to God’s promises. Perhaps God wants you to deal with some sin in your life, and keep you in the desert for awhile. Do you have any idols in your life that you’re not letting go of? This may feel hard, but it's mercy, really- it’s good for you.

The Ying-Yang: Look, everything has a purpose. You can't understand it, but you've just got to believe that everything has a balance and works itself out in the end.

The Eve: We live in a fallen world. This wasn't God - it was the product of sinful people making decisions in sin. It wasn't "meant to happen"- they messed up. Or you did.

The Beelzebub: Satan is really attacking you right now. He’s out to mess up this great work of God; rebuke the enemy! Bind him, and you’ll see the breakthrough. (By the way, it usually doesn’t hurt to “bind him” many, many times over. And don’t forget to cast him to either the outer darkness, or to the feet of Jesus.)

The Green-Thumb: God just wants to grow you. You are maturing as I watch you- amazing! Praise Him for hardship and suffering!

The Avoider: Well, I’ll be praying for that. What’s the score?

I’d be willing to bet that most people have heard all of these responses at some point. Obviously, I’m poking fun at some of them, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I think they are all heretical or way off base (even though, if you notice, some of them blatantly contradict one another).

I’ll be up front now in saying that I’m digging myself into a hole I don’t know how to climb back out of. If you’re going to be disappointed that this article doesn’t have a quaint “wrap-up” at the end that explains the answers in a few verses of scripture, then get ready to be… well, disappointed. What is the right “response” in a situation like this? If we have not yet faced them ourselves, surely, we have been with others that have. What do you say to…

…someone who has given years of work for a Godly purpose, only to see the effort erased in a moment
…a parent whose child does not and may never have a relationship with God
…a friend whose spouse leaves them for another lover
…a relative who is ridden for life with physical pain from a simple, senseless accident?

Even as I write them, responses instinctively pop into my head (most of which, ironically, I just poked fun at above). These responses sometimes seem adequate when we hear them from a friend or comfort ourselves with them. But in my experience, the deeper the pain, the less these explanations fill the nagging, haunting void of “why,” as much as they do distract us from facing the question. Each response either tries to explain the event, or illuminate what we need to do from here – because if we can understand it as having a purpose, or if we can act to fix it, then somehow, the pain is easier to bear. Understanding and action help us to feel some amount of control over the pain, which in turn, makes it seem less painful. In many Christian circles, the only heretical answer is, “who knows” – because it simultaneously implies that God is capriciously loving and cruel, and that we are not close enough to Him to know His intentions.

But is it ok not to have a response? It is possible to simply share the burden? Is it enough to understand, and fearlessly acknowledge the simplicity of frustration or the gravity of devastation – to mourn (not pontificate) with those who mourn? If the question remains, “Why did this happen,” is it ok for the answer to simply be, “I don’t know?” The flaw seems to be in the question. Perhaps “why” isn’t important at all. The most we can acknowledge is what we do not and may never understand, but in spite of it ask, “Father, what do you want to show me in this? Who are You?” If relationship is what Father longs for, then “why” usually will only distract us from really approaching “who.” All explanations seem so inadequate next to simply sharing the pain, and sharing the journey that is designed at every turn to lead us to that relationship. I may never be able to answer the “why” – either for you or myself – but I can share the pain without having a way to control it or justify it, and I can run, or walk, or crawl with you towards knowing Him. And that might just be enough.

My Mockingbird Obsession

2006-05-23T16:57:00.000-07:00

Every once in awhile, I hear an album or musician that I become obsessed with. Usually, the obsession escalates into outright fanaticism over the following weeks or months. We've all been there. It starts with an "I luv (enter their name here)" tattoo on your butt cheek, and ends in police car outside of said musician's home where you were digging through their trash, hoping to find some personal artifact, or maybe a Nair strip with some of their hai... uh, well, I've heard some people get pretty intense about it. Anyway, that obsession for me, of late, has been Derek Webb's "Mockingbird" album.

I'm not going to take hours and hours to write a lengthy review of the album, but let me just say, it really is worth your time. It's like a good steak that you can just chew, and savor, and all throughout the saliva and chewing more and more flavor comes out, until finally your head explodes with sensory overload. I've listened to this album way too much, but I'm amazed at the things I still get out of it, or am still pondering. It's not that it's the most amazing music I've ever heard, but more that the lyrical content of some of his songs have themes I connect with very deeply.

Some songs from this album are in the stereo system in the menu above - so settle down, hit play, and enjoy.

A word of advice: one of my favorite songs, "A New Law" - will be much easier to understand the first time around if you know in advance it's sung sarcastically - as a commentary on the way so many followers of Christ forsake their freedom for security and control of a new system of rules.

Great lines to listen for:
In 'A New Law':
Don't teach me about moderation and liberty - I prefer a shot of grape juice...
In 'King and a Kingdom':
There are two great lies that I've heard: 1) The day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die, 2) and that Jesus Christ was a white, middle class Republican, and if you want to be saved you have to learn to be like him...
-and-
My first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man. My first allegiance is not to democracy or blood - it's to a King and a Kingdom.

Sing on, brother - sing on. Hope you enjoy.
P.S.: While the music in the Living Room can be listened to temporarily while I've got it up, you can't download it for a reason. I strongly believe in putting your money to things that are worthwhile, so that those things continue to reproduce. If you like Derek, pick up "Mockingbird" here.

'Phishing' and the Betrayal of Carpzilla

2006-05-16T18:21:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in the photo album post, I just returned from a week's vacation at the Zacharia Lakehouse in northern California. It was a great vacation, all things told - three of my good friends, Andrew Brumme, Jonathan Bakewicz, and Rob Garey decided that before some major shifts in our lives take place, it would be a unique opportunity to get away for a whole week of fellowship and fun together. Besides a lot of fishing, eating, and water-sporting, there were a few other adventures worth mentioning...

Phishing for A Site Shutdown
First, as many of my readers probably noticed, Ruined for Life had a little vacation of its own for about 5 days... and it wasn't paid vacation either. As life would have it, some moron hacked into my domain space and uploaded a phishing scam for a bank in Australia... I received an e-mail while on vacation explaining that a fraudulent site was in operation at my domain address, and that its intent was clearly criminal in nature. Being in a relatively remote place, I got to deal with it via a dial-up (also known as "please shoot me in the face") internet connection. I was able to respond within a few hours, deleted the files, and contacted the bank's IT Security team back, as well as my own host, StartLogic. Although I consider myself fairly technologically savvy, I have no idea how this was accomplished. Perhaps the hacker guessed my password, which had formerly been, "HackersHaveSmallTesticlesOnTheirForehead" - and incidentally, was formerly the password for all my bank accounts. Good thing I changed it, I guess... Anyway, it took several days (too long, in my opinion) for StartLogic to conclude that I was obviously too smart for something so stupid, and they restored my site to its full glory. Thanks for hanging in there...

So Dark The Con of Carp...
The other tale relates to an event that took place at the lake. Let me try to be brief with this one: we fished a lot at the lake. Jonathan and I, arguably, are the two best fisherman amongst us, although Andrew and Rob gave a gallant effort. By Thursday of the week, our us-lake/win-loss record (ie, fish caught vs. lost or escaped) went something like: Chris: 10-2, Jonathan: 8-3, Andrew: 1-0, Rob: 0-5. Rob caught a catfish early on. It escaped from the stringer. Rob caught another one later... but we only found out AFTER we realized it had broken the pole holder and pulled the pole into the lake with it. It was sad. Everyone hurt in their hearts for Rob. I mean, even Andrew had caught a fish. But not Rob....

So around Wednesday or Thursday night, Jonathan were in the small boat fishing. We had only been out 30 minutes or so, and had already caught 2 fish, and miraculously, the fishing pole that Rob had lost to one of his catfish. Jonathan had just pulled in the biggest bass he had ever caught - a very nice size - and Andrew yells from the shore, "Guys, Rob just caught the biggest fish ever! You have to see it - it's like a 20 pound carp!" We were skeptical, but hopeful. We paddled in to the dock, and sure enough, there was a carp, roughly the size of a wooly-mammoth, with Rob standing over it. We estimated it to weigh over 20 pounds, since I can bench lift Andrew (who weighs 15lbs) and I couldn't even lift the carp with Jonathan's big-gun arms spotting me.
Jonathan and I were thrilled. Here was Rob, with a dismal fishing record, having caught the biggest "middle finger to all those who doubted me" fish of the year. It was huge, and we were already recounting the stories we would all tell to our grandchildren as I took the carp back to the lake to release him (carp is not good eating). Since he had been out of the water for about 10 minutes at this point, he was hurting... and although I think its gills were about one generation away from evolving into human lungs, I had to really work with him to snap back once in the water. We watched him slowly swim into the depths of the lake, and made our way inside for dinner.

About an hour later, after I had e-mailed my in-laws with the story, after we had put the picture of Rob on the desktop of the computer, etc. - Andrew proposed a toast to Rob, the fisherman of the week. We all heartily agreed. And then Rob said, "Andrew, isn't there something you want to tell Jonathan and Chris...?"

Andrew proceeded to describe how Rob had not actually "caught" the fish by himself, but rather, another boat of fishermen had snagged it by the neighbor's dock. As they were passing, about to throw it back into the lake, Andrew called out and asked if they could keep it to "show their friends." They drove the boat up to the dock, passed the fish over, and went on their way.

Needless to say, Jonathan and I were fairly disappointed - even hurt. We had hoped that beyond all odds, Rob had been able to make a catch of the year. As the story unfolded, we really hold Rob mostly innocent, as the idea of passing it off as Rob's catch was Andrew's idea, as was the decision to tell us over an hour later instead of just after we had released it. The loss of our excitement was bitter, like I imagine urine would be if I ever had to taste it.

So, if you're inclined to tell Andrew how you feel about this travesty, feel free to drop him a line at the Brumme.com Contact Page. Hackers of the world, you may also feel free to hack into Brumme.com next time you wish to post a fraudulent Phishing scam, as I feel that would be appropriate retribution in this matter.

My Jive WIth RIVE

2006-04-27T23:19:00.000-07:00

After some planning, Ruined for Life will be trying out a little experiment with a Christian clothing company, RIVE. (Just think of 'jive' when you say 'RIVE,' and you won't get the pronunciation wrong.) RIVE originally contacted me because they wanted to manufacture a 'Ruined for Life' line of men's Speedos, which would be produced 3 sizes smaller than advertised as sort of a joke, and to actually ruin the lives of the people that wore them or saw them being worn. I passed on the Speedo offer, but said a 'Ruined for Life' t-shirt might be really sweet. They laughed.

Basically, RIVE is a new-ish clothing company that has hip, edgy, Christian themes - not of the WWJD... FAKB variety (i.e. What Would Jesus Do... For a Klondike Bar). There are 5 basic reasons I like these guys - whom I'll introduce via interview in a moment:

1) The clothes are genuinely cool - and rely on artistic quality to attract attention, as opposed to a generic or obnoxious, "Don't Blame Jesus for Sending You to HELL" type message. Just check them out... you'll know what I mean.
2) Each t-shirt design gives 10% of it's proceeds to a different charity of the designer’s choice. Did I mention you should buy the Ruined for Life Speedo for your loved one (coming soon)?
3) They partner with ethical, socially conscious manufacturers. That means there may be a premium, but you can be assured it's great quality, and not keeping a kid out of school and in a factory somewhere.
4) They are featuring Ruined for Life in their RIVE blog sections, because they want their site to be sort of a center for Christian-based media and engaging content, which of course, goes with Ruined for Life like sizzle does steak.
5) They are giving me and my wife a free t-shirt. And a new house (by the way guys, can you send us the escrow papers when you get a chance?).

So, you can find RFL over at RIVE, and you'll be able to hop on over to RIVE using the nifty button I've put in the left-bar links. Essentially, we're just saying, "hey, you - you with all that awesomeness. Let's let our awesomenesses make some babies" - without some of the implications that might normally imply. Who knows where it will go...

Who is behind RIVE? Adam Zarlengo and Tuck Ross. I had the chance to meet up with these brothers at Chili's, where the Spirit is always thick (both in the 'Holy' sense, and the 'byproduct of a gastrointestinal process' sense). I put them through the usual, rigorous interview, so that my readers would get a feel for who they were. [Note: due to a coke being spilled on the notepad where I took notes from this interview, some answers may reflect my best attempt to remember the subtle nuances in the wording of their answers. In order to maintain the highest journalistic integrity, I noted anything that was from memory alone in italic typeface].

Q: Where were you born?
(Adam): In a hospital.
(Tuck): The bathroom sink. Just over there.

Q: How old are you guys?
(Tuck): Purple, with shades of chartruse.
(Adam): Yes. Probably.

Q: What do you do with RIVE?
(Adam): I handle all of the shouting, laughing, business development, and punctuation.
(Tuck): Mostly, I like to draw pictures of monkeys. But these monkeys are gifted illustrators, that draw clothing designs. Monkeys are so talented?
(Adam): Tuck, I told you not to put question marks at the end of statements. LEAVE THE PUNCTUATION TO ME!!! HAHHH HAH HAHHH HA!
(Tuck): ...
(Adam): HAHA! Ha! Ha.

[awkward silence...]

Q: What is RIVE trying to do/be, exactly? What is the premise behind the company?
(Tuck): We want to be an edgy, monkey friendly, relevant, Christian speedo line - with clothes that are bold and wedgie resistant, but without judgment.
(Adam): I think there are a lot of people out there that would love to wear a Christian speedo line of clothing, but not dumb stuffed animals. We want to be the premiere Christian underground brand - and our tithe design is to make sure we're giving back meaningfully in a way that doesn't involve stealing or ultimate cagefighting. Not that there is anything wrong with cagefighting.
(Tuck): Holla.

Q: Have you ever considered a Christian burlap lingerie line? I've got some really great ideas. I feel like scratchy/sexy is really in right now...
(Tuck and Adam): Brilliant, just brilliant, etc. We'll make it happen, etc.

Q: Great, great. In a perfect world, where would you see RIVE in 5 years?
(Tuck): It depends on whether or not time travel has been invented yet.
(Adam): I'd probably answer differently. But beyond that - maybe a Christian media company that encompasses music, media, and apparel - and that is welcoming and loving of people who enjoy nude knitting.

So hop on over to RIVE, and say hello to some new friends, and maybe even buy a shirt or twelve. And, if enough of you send in requests... MAYBE I'll allow the RFL Speedo to go into production.

Press Release

2006-04-14T22:03:00.000-07:00

HONG KONG - Official notice was served to Chinese authorities last week to expect a long-awaited shipment of Van Velzers in August. Following the announcement, spontaneous public celebration echoed throughout major metropolitan areas in mainland China.

"We are thrilled," commented Hu Jintao. "The Van Velzers are hot like Kung Pao Chicken right now, and China welcomes them with open arms."
---
I realized it's been a "somewhat slow" two months for the old blog (ironically, they have been my best months yet in terms of unique visitors... maybe people are trying to tell me NOT to blog...). In my defense, however, the last months have been full of at least 10,000 trips out of town, a ridiculously busy work schedule, an unsuccesful attempt to be the first man to circumnavigate the globe on a camel, and probably one of the biggest life decisions my wife and I have had to make yet in our relatively young, married lives- answering the call to move to China this fall. The e-mails have been sent out at work, and it's official - we'll be leaving for Hong Kong the second week of August, and we'll be in Beijing by January after that.

This has been coming for a long time - and after a lot of prayer, fasting, and magic-8 ball consultation, it is finally here. Although it will be bittersweet to lose close physical proximity with our friends, families and coworkers, we couldn't be more convinced that this is the right decision if it came up and bit on the bottom us in a warm, fuzzy kind of way.

It's a bittersweet decision. We really do have almost everything we could want out of life here. We've got friends and family close by. We've got a spiritual community that we love. We have great, fulfililng jobs with coworkers who are associates but also sincere friends. We have an ocean view at work and home every day. Throw in an Xbox, toilets, and showers, and we've got it fully made. But that's just it - although it is our decision, it's clearly what God has for us in this next season of our lives.

What will we be doing, you ask? We'll be staying with Corrie's fam in Hong Kong for the first four months in order to get to know our soon-to-be newly adoped Chinese sister (much more on this in future blogs - but this is the main reason we are going to Hong Kong first, instead of straght to Beijing). We'll be studying Mandarin full-time starting in Hong Kong, and continue in Beijing. After that, we'll do whatever we feel led to do - might be teaching, might be business, might be finally launching our own bourgeoise clothing line of burlap-lingere named "Chaffe" (with a french-ish accent on the end, pronounced chah-fee"). The possibilities are endless... especially in China.

I can't tell you how excited we are - not because we expect it to be an idyllic adventure in a foreign land - but because we know it's exactly where we're being led. It's the excitement of not knowing what is in store other than the fact that we are Known by the One that matters - and as such, we couldn't be in better hands. So feel free to pray with us, especially that we'll make the transition to Chinese toilets quickly and 'without incident.'

I'm back, and I'll be blogging again. Thanks for hanging in there. (And thanks to those of you who have dropped my a line via the mailbox and who I have been too retarded not to take 5 minutes to respond to in the last few months - I'll be e-mailing you soon!)

XXXchurch Has Balls (Literally)

2006-02-17T13:39:00.000-08:00

Up front, I have to apologize; it's my second busiest week annually at work, and blogging has been on the back burner. A much needed trip to Minneapolis for a guy's weekend didn't help much for the site either. The good news is, I'm about to push through the web-equivalent of a Venti and Oat-Prune Muffin on all of my backlogged blogs, which have some hearty (and high-fiber) content.

The first (and overdue) blog involves my opportunity two weeks ago to introduce and have lunch with Craig Gross, cofounder of XXXchurch.com - which touts itself as being the #1 Christian Porn site. Craig spoke at Pepperdine's convocation series, which is kind of like a big, weekly chapel - with less incense and more Starbucks. I may be assuming too much that most of my readers have heard of XXXchurch before; they boast an impressive 60 million visitors annually, and amidst much acclaim and controversy, are clearly a dominant voice in the church in dealing with pornography-related issues. No, they aren't a porn site... they are a ministry that provides help to men and women who struggle with/are addicted to pornography, and who take a genuine message of hope to those in the adult entertainment industry.

There are a lot of directions I could go with this, but I'm learning the bonuses of brevity in my blogging maturity: these guys are legit, and I think their approach and ministry is nothing short of fantastic. Are they perfect? Naw. Will you agree with all of their approaches? I can probably guarantee you won't. But I think they are getting a lot more right than wrong, and in my book, that's a lot better than keeping silent, or shouting obscenities at folk "caught up in sin" from the sidewalk pulpit. What I was most struck by in my conversations with Craig is their focus on loving people without an agenda. They share Jesus with people - which I believe is a way of showing love to someone - BUT they don't have a problem meeting folks where they are at, having authentic relationship with them, and loving them in a down-to-earth, practical sort of way.

These guys go to porn conventions, and bring bibles with covers that say, "Jesus Loves Porn Stars." People snatched them up like candy. They talk to people. Beyond being an industry that puts out stuff I would consider ultimately detrimental to relationships and a healthy perspective on sexuality, the industry itself chews people up and spits them out. Like Hollywood, there may be a few stars that "live the high life" - but the common porn actor isn't a restaurant server or admin temp by day - more often than not they will resort to prostitution or worse when the gigs dry up (see Trinity Project below). It's okay if every conversation doesn't end in "give your life to Jesus" - some conversations are just about listening to people's stories and journey of hurt, and communicating the simple truth: I care about you, and I think God does too.

Some Stupid Church People - as a frequent read of mine would call them - associate this with compromise of the the gospel... a watered down Jesus. After meeting them, I can unequivocally say, that's not accurate. They may not be perfect, but then again, I haven't met anyone other than me who is. Although Pat Robertson is a close, close second.

Some of their better (and slightly controversial ministry approaches):

Wally the Weiner: I'll be honest. To me, Wally kind of looks like a... you know. A twig and giggle-berries. A python that swallowed a baby rattle. A meat and two veg. Imagine walking into a porn convention, and, towering high above all the booths and boobs and whatever, is this giant, conspicuously phallic character named "Wally the Weiner." He has a simple challenge: do you have the balls to stop looking at porn? Why not? Are you addicted? Great conversations ensue. You gotta give Wally a hand - both for providing so many opportunities for saying something like that, and for being an in-your-face counter to the blatant bombardment of sexualized imagery that is everywhere in our culture - like him or not, it's impossible to ignore him, and that's kind of the point.

Pete the Porno Puppet: A pornographer writes to XXXchurch and offers to partner with them to create a commercial that encourages kids not to look at the naughty things their "mommies and daddies" may have lying around. XXXchurch says, "holla." National media attention ensues - pastors who are willing to interact with a sinner? *Gasp!* Despite the fact that Jimmy D (the director) has not become a born again Christian, they are legitimate friends.

X3 Watch: This could be considered the mainstay of the web-based portion of their ministry. It's a free program that you install on your computer that tracks and sends a list of questionable sites to up to 2 accountability partners you designate. The approach, I believe, is preferable to an internet filter in most instances - because the reality is, pornography, filter or not, computer or not, is available everywhere. If it's a temptation to look at it, the "Every Man's Battle White Knuckle It" approach will not last unless heart issues are faced with friends and the Father. This helps make sure those conversations happen - and it's free.

Trinity Project: Michelle, a (now former) actress in the porn industry (whose stage name was Trinity, hence the name of the project), calls Craig at 5 am one morning. She had met him about a year and a half prior at the porn expo in Las Vegas, and had a simple question: "You said then that you guys would be willing to help us get out of this industry - do you still mean that? Because I want out." After scraping by in the porn industry ($28,000 a year for several hundred low-budget porn flicks), prostitution seemed the only option left to not end up on the street. An internet campaign later, Trinity and her daughter have relocated back to the midwest and she is starting life over. Is life for her perfect? Did she fall on her knees and accept Jesus with the check? Not exactly. But was that the point, or was/is showing her love in a way that she's probably never seen it before the point? You can read her blog here. One word for both Michelle and XXXchurch: bravo.

I have no idea if this blog will be controversial or not - indeed, I don't know who most of my 900-ish "unique visitors" are in a given month (but don't you feel special, that you're all totally unique, in every possible way, except for the fact that you're all unique). But, having been familiar with their ministry before meeting them, and all the more so after having a chance to connect in person, I think the heart of this ministry is dead-on. They know how to love people. Period. Which is more than I can say for most of most of these people. And that speaks volumes about the Father that I know, all on its own. Check out their digs - let me know what you think.

Totally Unspiritual Post of the Week, #8

2006-01-27T17:07:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I did a totally unspiritual post, so the content has been building up...

First off, I've had several laugh aloud moments taking a look the "Top 100 Facts About Chuck Norris" site. Among my favorites are:

- Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad Chuck Norris never cries.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
- Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
- It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
- There isn't a chin beneat Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

More Pranks
Next, we're going to spend some more time on great pranks. Although I'd like to say that I have been the perpetrator in all of these examples, I'll start off in one story where I was the perpetratee, often referred to as a perpee.

This prank was played on me by Michael Houston, a coworker (who you might remember as the perpee in one of my earlier pranks, the "diploma swap.") I came back to my office after a meeting to find a box on my desk. Boxes are always exciting to receive, as they often contain presents, office supplies, or werewolves. Excitement turned to suspicion, however, when I noticed this particular box had some peculiar corners. Specifically, the corners appeared to be burned, and frayed wires were visibly protruding from the packaging.

Now, if you're like me, you check the New York State Police site on suspicious packages every other day, just in case something like this happens. Because I had checked the site, and had posted their very helpful diagram above my desk, I knew that packages with "protruding wires" should be examined by a professional bomb squad. After reading so much about these types of packages I knew exactly what not to do: "don't let anyone touch it, call safety officials immediately, don't attempt to carry it outside," etc.

Instead, we decided it would be safest to shake the package (it felt light inside, although there was definitely something in it), and then take it outside for further examining, just in case it was a bomb. We first threw a baseball at it (which is a technique I saw on the TV series: "Bombsquad Crewz"), and after it didn't explode, decided it was certainly safe to open. Despite the fact I did not think it was a bomb, it was a little disappointing that it didn't explode. Instead, I found a mug inside, and a $50 gift card to Starbucks! Michael fessed up that he had intercepted the package, had been bored, and decided wires and burnt edges would give us a few minutes of entertainment.

(Follow up: Michael has been fired. Please keep his pregnant wife and unborn child in your prayers).

#2: Computer Pranks
I have a new coworker: Chris Collins. Chris has an irrational fea... I mean love of snakes. Whenever he sees a snake, he immediately lets it crawl around inside of his clothes. He wants everyone to e-mail him a picture of the coolest snake they can find on the internet (literal snake, not figurative) to his e-mail address. Anyway, instead of e-mailing him my favorite snake, I just made it his desktop background so he would see it right away.

To thank me, he made a slight modification to my autocorrect feature in Microsoft Outlook. In order to save me time, every time I typed the word "and," Chris set my computer to autocomplete "and by the way I'm brokeback gay." This proved to be extremely convenient, and all those saved keystrokes kept me from getting carpal tunnel syndrome.

In order to thank him back, I decided it was time for a little game called "Remote Havoc." This is a "computer program" of sorts, that you can "install without another user's knowledge" and that "allows you control of their computer." It's a blast. You install it to their computer, and then, from a control panel on yours, you can "say hello."

I started off with a normal sounding information message that read, "Windows has automatically synchronized your computer clock to Greenwich Standard Time (GST)."

I had people planted to watch Chris as these messages started popping up, and after staring at his screen for a few seconds, he just clicked, "ok."

Then, I decided to flash up one of my favorite websites, called "XXXchurch.com". Don't worry- it's not a porn site. It's a great, unconventional ministry. Conveniently, one of the founders is speaking at Pepperdine in just a few weeks, and Chris is in charge of that program - so it seemed normal that maybe he hit a key that would accidentally pop this site up.

Next, I sent Chris a warning from the "Pepperdine Content Filter", which apparently thought XXXchurch.com was a naughty site:

Chris immediately got up from his chair, and walked to the front of the office. We casually strolled out there, and made up some question to ask. He said something to the effect of "Hey, do you guys know anything about a Pepperdine Content Filter?," to which we said "I seem to remember the President mentioning something about that in his address to the Student Government Association...". He said he was going to visit IT Engineering, to find out what was going on. He also accused us of messing with his computer. The fact that I was smiling when I denied it didn't help him to believe me.

He came back, and what do you know, the IT guys were busy. While I was in his office, I was asking him to describe to me what had happened - we even searched for a malicious program that might be running on his computer together. Instead, the same xxxchurch.com site and warning message popped up! (my coworker, Michael Houston, was in my office on the control panel).

I left, and people started congregating in his office, some aware, and some oblivious to the joke. Then, the warning messages started getting a little odd:

Chris bolted into my office, realizing that it must be me. He's a clever one!

You can download Remote Havoc here. Among other favorites on the control panel, you can open and close the cd tray, switch the mouse buttons, minimize windows, run programs, and send any warning message you want.

...and that's all for this week's totally unspiritual post. I'll have some more videos posted in the bathroom that people have been sending me - quality stuff. Peace in!

Parable of the Servant Who Became Son

2006-01-23T00:22:00.000-08:00

There was a certain servant in the King’s court. Although he was technically not "free" to leave the King's service (since he was a servant), he actually loved the King very much. The King had taken him in as a young man, when his family and parents had passed away, and cared for and supported him. Even when he made mistakes, the King never raised his voice toward the servant - in fact, he would usually just smile, and thank him for his help.

Because of his admiration and love, the servant took great delight in serving the King. Upon completing a task, he would return almost immediately to ask, "Master, speak your will, and I will do it." In response to this, the King would usually say, "Why, come sit with me," and they would enjoy long hours in one another's company.

As he grew to be a young man, the servant still came to the King every day saying, "Master, speak your will, and I will do it." He realized that the King's responses to this request became increasingly difficult. The King began sending him on long journeys, which often took weeks or months of difficult and dangerous travel. The boy began wondering if the King was growing tired of him, or wanted to keep him occupied so that he would not be able to remain in the palace. He almost never invited him to simply sit with him anymore; every time the boy asked what he should do, there was always some task to be completed.

Finally, the boy asked, "Sire, have I done anything to displease you?"

"Why do you ask?" said the King.

"It's just - I wish only to do your will and bidding, but it seems that these past few years it has always been something...difficult. I am happy to serve you, Master, but I also noticed that you never invite me to sit with you anymore. I thought maybe I had done something to disappoint you, or to upset you."

"And now it is time for me to ask you a question,” said the King. “Do you love me?"

"Why, of course, Master. You know that I do.”

"And have I ever treated you as my servant?" said the King.

"No, Lord - you have treated me as, well, as a son. And..." he added, gulping, "Even as a friend."

The King responded as if he had been waiting for him to speak those words. "Then when will you stop asking me what my will is for you, as if you were bound to me as my servant?"

"I don't understand, Master," said the servant. "I only wanted to please you by following your commands, and by accomplishing your will."

"My will has already been accomplished," said the King carefully and slowly, "because you love me as I love you. That is all I have ever wanted. Though you have remained determined to be my servant, I have, and do call you my son."

Overwhelmed, the servant asked, "Then... Father... what am I to do now?"

"My Kingdom, in all of its fullness, is yours," said the King. "What would you like to do, son?"

And the son realized for the first time... he had absolutely no idea. He didn't know how to live his life without relying on the King – his Father – to tell him what to do.

"I don't know. I guess it was much easier when I was a servant," said the son. "I think for now, I'd like to just sit with you for awhile."

Holy Hand Grenade

2006-01-18T09:52:00.000-08:00

Every once in awhile, I'll come across something that lobs the proverbial hand grenade into my quaint theology, causing extensive kidney damage and adding to the collection of shrapnel I carry in my left butt cheek. This particular hand grenade came in the form of a book recently given to me by a friend and scholar, Ezra Plank, titled, "The Biblical Vision of Sabbath Economics," by Ched Myers.

If you're ever in a Christian bookstore, you might miss this one, as it wouldn't look out of place wedged inbetween "Let Me Touch Him" and "Joel Osteen's: Follow God, Win a Ferrari." The title isn't "catchy" in the traditional sense, and the fact that it looks like an oversized pamphlet on pesticides or tree pruning doesn't help. However, if you listen to Mother and don't judge a book by its cover, then you're in for a tasty treat.

Ok, so I haven't read the whole thing yet. But the chapter that has kept me thinking is a re-read of the in/famous "Parable of the Talents." You know the story: three slaves are given some 'talents' by their master - one gets five, one gets two, and one gets a single talent. The master takes off for a trip to Vegas or something, and the action heats up when he returns and the slaves have to give an account for what they've done with the cash. If you're like me, you've probably heard two main interpretations of this parable:

The Warren Buffet
The master is God, but this is a story about stewardship - primarily economic stewardship. This interpretation always starts with something like, "One talent, in biblical times, was 6,000 denari - which was the modern day equivalent of a trazillion Japanese yen!" God doles it out freely, but he didn't give you all that cash to blow on iTunes and Starbucks - he wants a return on his "investment." Life is life, and not everyone gets the same amount of money to handle. The important thing is that you use it, and make a return on what is given to you. Specifically, this parable would point to God expecting about a 100% ROI, which you don't need my MBA to tell you is nuttier than a squirrel with elephantitis. The jerk in this story is the humanities major, who slept through econ and buried his money in the ground. The lazy humanities major, not only a financial idiot, also has the audacity to accuse God of being stingy and greedy - a crime for which he is cast into the "outer darkness, where there is weeping, gnashing of teeth, and explosive diarrhea."

The Network Executive
This one is a little more of a stretch - but I've heard it preached boldly in churches. A talent isn't money... it's a talent, silly! You know, like being a gifted speaker, or having pipes like Celine Dion (and I mean vocal, not of the plumbing-variety), or being able to make farting noises with your leg instead of your armpit. These are the same people that might read the Judges account of Sodom, ("So the man seized his concubine, and put her out to them; and they knew her, and abused her all night until the morning") and think: "What's the big deal? I know lots of concubines." Anyway, God is sort of like a network executive in this version: the point is, are you using your talents to glorify God? If you're a gifted speaker, maybe you should preach some Sunday. If you are a gifted musician, maybe you should lead worship, and if you are a gifted artist, maybe you should be on parking lot duty. The guy that gets rebuked? You guessed it, the gifted artist, who shuns parking lot duty.

The Problem...
The problem with these accounts is that they are off at best, and wrong at worst. Aren't there some parables you read, and even though you've heard a hundred sermons on them, you feel deep down that we're missing it? There are two big red flags in this story and the usual interpretations. First is God's espousal of "you have been faithful with a few things, you will be put in charge of many things." I once knew a gal who never drove faster than the posted speed limit, because this was being faithful with a "few" things, and meant God would eventually have to reward her appointing her the princess of Quatar, with absolute power over the lives of its citizens, or something like that. Wacky- but I hear this all the time... and is being faithful with a few things really what God needs to see in order to trust us? (Or the reverse- unfaithfulness with a few things means we're screwed... which, by the way, we would be under this rationale.) The second is the infamous, "everyone who has will be given more, and whoever does not have, I'm also going to kick him in the groin." This verse is the reason I only steal from the homeless and impoverished - God commands it.

The Retelling
I won't spoil the whole kit and caboodle (that is the first time I've typed that word, and boy was it fun). But the short version is this: we're retelling an ancient parable in a very modern capitalist framework. The audience of the story heard it the way we read it still - within their own cultural norm. That norm told them that the usury, the fancy bible-speak for "screwing someone with high interest" was wrong- and the idea of a slave actually getting a 100% return on his investment meant he did not some, but a LOT of dirty dealings. This usually took the form of people with money giving loans with exorbitant interest rates to farmers in bad harvest years; the farmers would default, and the landowners would foreclose on the land or make them indentured servants. The master is exactly as the servant described him - a greedy, controlling, and hard man. The third servant (yes, the one condemned to explosive diarrhea), is the 'hero' of the story- he calls the master for what he is, and his act of burying the talent into the ground was an intentional refusal to participate in a system that expected (and demanded) wrongful gain and exploitation. As Myers puts it:

Unwilling to participate in this exploitation, this third slave took the money out of circulation where it could no longer be used to dispossess another family farmer...He has awakened to the rules of the master's world. His repudiation of it is simple and curt: "Here, take back what is yours" (Matt. 25:25). But he admits that through it all, "I was afraid." For good reason, for he is about to meet the prophet's fate.

It's so easy to read this parable as an endorsement of fiscal responsibility and stewardship... and to miss the boat completely. Dare we consider our other expectations for wealth and success in light of this parable... and the reality that kingdom principles seem to be radically different from capitalist principles? You don't need an MBA to figure that one out... but if you've got one, I hear Apple's stock is a hot buy these days.

My Belated 12 Days of Christmas

2006-01-09T17:00:00.000-08:00

If you're like most people, you too have been duped. See, there is this song that we all know, that talks about "12 days of Christmas." Well, I don't know about you, but I've only ever gotten one stinkin' day of Christmas... which means that since my birth, I'm still short a whole 286 days of presents and nog. If we celebrated 12 days of Christmas, we'd have 50% more days of presents than Hanukah - think of how trendy and popular it would be to celebrate Christ's birth then!

In honor of said song, and since I haven't blogged since sometime before Christmas and New Year's, this will be the (quick) catch-up on holiday going-ons: my twelve days of Christmas...

Day 1: We probably watched several episodes of "Lost," season 2, which we were able to find online at a "significant discount."

Day 2: I probably watched the first and second season of "Arrested Development," which I have become addicted to. You can be my "hermano" any day, and watch it with me... just give me a call.

Day 3: We ate incessantly. This really covers all 12 days of Christmas, but that would be a boring update. It all started with our first annual tradition of making Cornish game hens on Christmas eve... and progressed through several prime ribs, a night of shrimp, beef, and chicken fondue, several Dutch and Arabic forms of dessert, stuffed jalapeno peppers and salmon, a sushi-fest, Fenton's in SanFran, diet Coke, several cases of Snapple, a partridge, a pear tree, and vomit-inducing Jones' "Brussel-Sprout" flavored soda.

Day 4: Time with my side of the family on Christmas day. It was good times, and the start of a lot of eating.

Day 5: Driving up to the lakehouse in NorCal in torrential rain. Said rain continued throughout the rest of the week, virtually non-stop. Bad windshield wipers = driving 40mph most of the way.

Day 6: Presents galore. Among the top, I upgraded my digital camera (reviews forthcoming), and several great books, some very special "Scottish Water" that may have been "distilled" and "stored in a cask for 12 years," and a smattering of clothes.

Day 7: Playing the Settlers of Catan with the Zacharia clan. Corrie humiliated me, but I came back with two decisive victories that guaranteed my title as "Lord of Catan" for many weeks to come.

Day 8: A raging bladder infection. Not mine. Corrie's. It exploded on a 3.5 hour drive back to the lakehouse from SanFran, spraying urine and puss everywhere (almost). This was after dropping her fam off to fly back to Hong Kong. We got to spend 2 am - 5 am in more blinding rain at the emergency room (that might have been dramatized for effect).

Day 9: My cup runneth over, as did the lake. 5 days of rain, and the dock and half of the back yard were underwater. Many fun treasures, mostly of the mud or wood variety, find their way into the once-manicured lawn.

Day 10: New Year's Eve. The most overrated holiday of all. We were halfway through "The Negotiator" when midnight struck, and after a short, "woo-hoo," continued our enthrallment with Samuel L. Jackson's plight. (SPOILER: He IS innocent!!)

Day 11: We drive back to So.Cal, in more blinding rain. I sacrifice my body by falling into a puddle and scraping my knees while desperately trying to get inside an auto shop to buy new wipers without getting wet. Failing, a long, bad mood ensued.

Day 12: Back at home, laundry to do, returns to make, and the smoldering remains of a Christmas tree to take down.

Throw in going to the bathroom once or twice, and my annual shower (even though I usually don't need it), and that was pretty much it, folks!

Ni Hao, China - Adieu Business School

2005-12-14T13:57:00.000-08:00

Well, in three weeks, I've been to the other side of the world and back, caught up on about .0009% of the hundreds of e-mails I got while gone at work (good thing only .001% were important), finished my last final for several years to come, became a Master (of Business Administration, not my own island), and... well, if you add in bodily functions, sleep, and Chronicles/Kong, then you're basically caught up on my life...

Or not. You probably don't want all the details on bodily functions and sleep (e-mail me if I'm wrong). Graduation was a blast, and it feels fantastic to be done; had a good deal of the family come up and we enjoyed the tastiest tri-tip this side of Western civilization: Woodranch. Beyond saying you're a fool if you don't go see Chronicles of Narnia and King Kong (saw Kong last night/this morning), since they're both stellar movies, that leaves China. I didn't think that they did a very good job with making Kong to be a believable Christ figure (because Jesus would never bite the tongue out of a Tyrannosaurus Rex), and I have no idea why they cut the scene in Chronicles where Aslan is swatting down biplanes, but hey- it's Hollywood.

As for China - whew, it's hard to know where to begin. It was definitely a lot to cram into just a few days; I think in the two weeks we were gone, we had 39 hours of flying time, 10 hours of bus rides, a few hours of train/metro rides, and a 5 hour pterodactyl ride (since you can only get to Jingzhou by pterodactyl these days). The basic gist of the trip was relatively simple: Hong Kong with Corrie's family for Thanksgiving, Shanghai to see one of my best buds, Chuck Engelmann (and get the big, China city feel), and Jingzhou to visit another friend Allan Heida (to get the more central, real-China feel). Each leg of the trip was amazing in its own right.

Hong Kong is always good - and by always, I mean it's been good the two times I've been there. Beyond being a blast to spend time with Corrie's family, Hong Kong is definitely just an intriguing city; it's kind of like Malibu and New York all rolled into one, with less "shabby chic" and more "sleek." Turkey day was full of all kinds of tasty morsels, and we even got to go on a junk ride, which translates into taking a big boat out into the South China sea and pelting dolphins with useless trinkets you want to get rid of.

Shanghai had the big city feel of Hong Kong, but definitely much more "Chinese." Shanghai-ians don't really speak Mandarin - they shout it, even when they're not angry. For example, ordering a pizza might sound like:

Me: I'M HUNGRY!!!!
Domino's man: WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY A PIZZA SIR!!
Me: YES PLEASE, WITH PEPPERONI!!!
Domino's man: FOR AN EXTRA DOLLAR YOU CAN GET A FREE BOWL OF WENDY'S CHILLI!!!
Me: THAT MAKES NO SENSE, BUT OK!!!!

We traveled the city with Chuck and his significant other, Judith- whom, after seeing proper documentation and proof that she is an "Alliance" approved magician, we officially stamped with our approval. It was great to see Chuck doing so well- so happy, and the big-dog editor in chief of BizShanghai - a magazine distributed in the city. In Shanghai, we ate lots of amazing food, and did some crazay shopping in the "mee-stah, you want cd/dvd/handbag/watch" markets. Among the purchases: TAG Heuer watch: $20. Hugo Boss Dress Shirts: $7.50 each. Indentured Child Servant: Priceless. We also got to spend some time with an eclectic group of Brothers and Sisters that Chuck knows - and let me tell you, Dad likes 'em. We were right at home, in a far-east kind of way.

Then, we hopped on a plane to Wuhan, the capital of the Hubei province. We were met by Connie (her English name), a super-awesome Chinese friend of a friend of a friend (literally), who took a two hour bus ride to come meet us at the airport, then rode with us via taxi for an hour to the bus stop, helped us get tickets and on the right pterodactyl to Jingzhou. The bus ride was relatively uneventful, although through a lot of amazing Chinese countryside. We also spent about 3.5 hours with Jack Bauer, waging war on terror in season 4 of "24" (which we got in Shanghai).

Allan Heida, who is in Jingzhou (pronounced Jing-joe) as an English teacher, met us at the bus station, and took us back to his apartment. Jingzhou was everything Shanghai wasn't; it is a "big" city by our size standards, but then again, practically everywhere in China is. It has an incredibly rural feel to it though. Whereas Shanghai and Hong Kong are pretty comparable (if not more advanced) than many Western cities, Jingzhou was totally different- we increased the foreigner population in Jingzhou (a city of several million, mind you) by about 20%. Depending on where we went, we would get lots of stares - at first, this seemed normal, since even in the US Corrie and I are considered "very hot," but quickly realized it was not our "good" looks per se, but rather the fact that many people had never seen a Caucasian before. Jingzhou, like many Chinese cities, also has an astounding amount of history going back over 2,000,000 years, when T-Dawg Rex, king of the dinosaurs, ruled the earth from his palace in the city. It was T-Dawg's mandate that established daily pterodactyl flights into Jingzhou, which still continue today. That almost seems totally unnoticed by its residents; the old part of the city is still surrounded by ancient city walls and a moat, and despite our insistence, the townspeople thought that pterodactyls were "boring" and "unexciting." In Jingzhou, we also got to meet a good deal of Family, and despite being so far from what we would consider home, found it amazing to connect so easily with them.

In the end, our China trip was truly fruitful for us - both as a fun experience, but also in giving us some wisdom and guidance in looking at moving there at some point. If we came away with one conclusion, it was strongly considering going over initially just to study Mandarin, since it's challenging enough to learn the language without being English teachers at the same time. I think that's the direction we're headed at this point, but as always, it certainly may be subject to change as we continue to look into things. Either way, the trip confirmed that we are certainly China bound; and that is exciting indeed!

A Lesson For Ingratitude

2005-11-15T20:40:00.000-08:00

I am so guilty of taking my life for granted. I live and work in a Christian community that's within a gunshot of the beach; my commute to work lasts all of 90 seconds, and consists of driving down a hill from which I can see miles and miles to the horizon overlooking the Pacific Ocean. And like the rest of the world, I often wake up tired, grumble my way through the day, complain about petty politics and inconveniences, and try to wall off a private, isolated cosmos where I am in control. My life is the epitome of ingratitude on such days - and often, God smacks me into the reality of His life with the views all around me.

Yesterday was one of those days, when I found my pathetic world stopped cold in the sheer wonder of what God had made. A sea of clouds, just barely floating on the ocean's surface, crept inland with a majestic, eerie calm. At first, I couldn't believe what I was seeing, so I decided to drive to one of the highest points on campus, grabbing my camera along the way. If I could have been present for the Spirit of God hovering over the waters in Genesis, surely it looked like this. I don't need to wax poetic to do the scene justice. The God we serve made this, and in the worship it evoked from me, I realized how often I can miss what He is creating and doing right in front of me...

Whether it is watching your kid play, or having dinner with your spouse, catching a sunset, or simply realizing who He has revealed himself to be in Christ... here's to all of us being stopped in a moment of thankful wonder this week.

(click to enlarge photo)

(tech geek info: Canon EOS DIGITAL REBEL XT, Canon 50mm f/1.8, TV:1/125, AV: 7.1, ISO 100, polarizing filter, levels adjusted with Photoshop)

(tech geek info: Canon EOS DIGITAL REBEL XT, Sigma 70-300mm [@92mm] f/4.5, TV:1/500, AV: 9.0, ISO 100, levels adjusted with Photoshop)

I Can Explain Everything

2005-11-13T01:37:00.000-08:00

These past few weeks I've been flooded with e-mails from people who have been losing sleep with worry over where I've been. I want to thank you all for your heartfelt concern; all the fasting, intercession and prayer walks have really paid off, and at last I'm back among the blogging. It's been the longest break I've had from blogging since launching RFL, but with very good reason. Many of you probably won't belive the story I am about to tell you, but then again most people don't believe me when I tell them that I invented the internet either. Trust me: Al Gore was full of crap. It was me I tell you. Me.

It was about two weeks ago that I had a vision of St. Louis. St. Louis, who is one of the lesser-known Catholic saints (along with St. Frank, St. Bob, and St. Moe), was cannonized after performing the miracle of turning his urine into cheap, tasteless beer. [side note: There is a large Budweiser manufacturing plant still in St. Louis to this day, where the monks still devote themselves to sacred vows of urination, which they carbonate, water-down, and bottle at the plant.] In this vision, St. Louis told me to visit his city (who knows why). While I was there, I decided to stop by and visit with my Dad and his family, which was a great time. Obviously, when I am totally removed from my computer for an entire weekend, my blogging time suffers immensely.

No sooner did I return from St. Louis' wild goose chase did I find myself in the throes of a large group project for my final MBA class (If you ever want to learn a ton of senseless information using Porter's 5 Force Industry & Competetior Analysis to study Major League Baseball, read no further). As you may know, group projects were invented in communist Russia. "Labor camps" were just fancy terminology for lazy proletariats making other people do their work. Isn't it ironic that in a business school we're participating in socialist propaganda? And here's a hot tip to anyone in business school, or who is in business at all really: it's all about proper use of "business lingo." Business lingo (also called Bingo) can flower up even the dullest of activities. When you come into the boardroom for that big presentation, instead of saying, "I just had a satisfying poop in the office planter," you can really wow the board with "I'm thrilled to announce I just dropped a high-load resource from my asset that will result in upward growth trends and lighter carrying costs!" That got me a raise just last week - and all I did was poop in a planter!

Finally, last weekend I took a trip to the desert to visit an old friend, "Obi-Wan Brumme." Obi-Wan Brumme is kind of a hermit that lives by himself in Palm Desert. He and I are definitely into the Force and it was good to catch up on life, laughs, light-sabers and his never-ending search for the right "Padme." Obi-Wan has been very involved in promoting the relase of the "Chronicles of Narnia" amongst churches; I even got to see 10 minutes of special sneak-peek footage, and let me tell you: they did a great job look making the Ewoks look real. This again took up a whole weekend, and kept me from blogging.

And ever since, I've been busy with more work, more stuff for school, taking needed down-time with my beautiful wife, and the exploration and conquest of the world. The good news is that I'm back in the game for at least a week before we leave for Hong Kong/ mainland China for Thanksgiving. That may be another dry blogging spell... but there should be some meaty content to keep things tasty this week.

Queen of the Damned Gets Saved: Anne Rice Sinks Her Teeth Into Jesus

2005-10-26T00:56:00.000-07:00

Read an interesting article today on Anne Rice - most known for her fictional works involving the occult and a ten-book vampire series (which included "Interview With the Vampire"). Apparently, not much has been heard from Anne in the past 2 years since her last book was published (which broke her pace of 25 books in 25 years). Her next novel is quite a departure from the fangoria of past; it will be a story told in first person narrative, by Jesus, about his childhood and life.

"Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt" will be a fictional account of Jesus' childhood, and will draw on on accounts in a variety of sources - ranging from Scripture to the apocrypha to other fictional accoutns of his life. In a recent interview, Anne calls Jesus the "ultimate supernatural hero...the ultimate immortal of them all" and states unequivocally that her work may not be of interest to past fans given the change of content, stating, "I promised that from now on I would only write things for the Lord."

In all honesty, I know nothing about Anne Rice's books. I've never read one, I many never still, but I was really intrigued by the article. I guess two things struck me the most. First, it's obvious that only a real encounter with God would make Anne, a woman with a well-established career in fiction, really change her subject of expertise so dramatically at the risk of serious rejection in her field. Second, altough I am totally glad that she has evidently come into a real genuine faith in God, I almost found myself cringing to think that she might become a sort of "poster hero" in Christian circles.

There is a tendency for celebrities that are Christians to be, well, unfairly pressured to use their influence to "spread the gospel." Don't get me wrong on this; I rejoice for and with Anne. And Mel. And even that Baldwin brother (I think). But when I hear a statement like, "I promised to only write things for the Lord," my reaction is: well, why not just live for Him period. Do everything for the Lord, but realize that any life lived in relationship with him is extraordinary, regardless of what that looks like. Live authentically in your profession as a follwer of Christ. I don't expect Anne to become the "savior" of the industry, and I don't want her to - unless that's really what He has for her. I don't assume it is. Write whatever the heck you want to, and do it as worship to Him. Don't get caught in the trap of "now that I'm a Christian, I should only write books about Jesus." If that's what you want, then great - but as I was reading the article, I could almost feel the cringe of Christendom saying, "Now you must convert all those you lead astray with your vampire nonsense!"

Frankly, if I had to call it right now, this book stands a good chance of flopping - because it is not a canonical account of Jesus life (which will cause a stink in Christian circles) and will be such a departure from the usual goth-thriller that former fans will pass it up. Although I'll be happy if the book is a success, I hope that regardless of its reviews, Anne can simply be herself in the joy she has found, and that the book will remain a true expression of her worship and faith. I can celebrate with her in that - and frankly, I can celebrate with her regardless of future books or bestsellers.

Heck, maybe Anne hasn't been so far off in the past anyway; blood that brings eternal life. If it worked in her books about vampires, maybe it'll be a hit in her books about Jesus.

(Sidenote)The Federal Vampire and Zombie Angecy has brought to my attention that the Christian religion has really misrepresented vampires in the past. Maybe Anne can make amends for that in her future works.