Life Updates

Not going to spend time with the usual, "haven't blogged in awhile" stuff. Not even going to promise I'll be blogging every week starting now. Just felt inspired to write a bit here, much like I'm occasionally inspired to take a shower every month or two (whether I need it or not). What can I say? We love living here.

For those of you that don't know, our day-to-day situation has changed somewhat. I'm actually working for Pepperdine again, in what has turned out to be a wonderful blessings of circumstances. Starting this past August, I assumed the role of Project Director for the Shanghai International Program; that's right, we happened to move to the location of Pepperdine's next full-time international program. So far, everything has been wonderful; the work is very enjoyable, and I have a wonderful Chinese coworker, Huiliang (William). We've been busy meeting with potential partner universities here in Shanghai, looking for properties to locate the Pepperdine facility, and even made a recruitment trip back to Malibu in September to promote the program (visit ShanghaiWaves.com to see the site I put up for the program, and the recruitment video I made, which gives a good glimpse into the city here). Not doing language classes anymore, but am doing private tutoring 3 times a week for 2 hours, which I am enjoying more at this point.

Part of the experience of living overseas (especially in a culture that does not speak your native tongue) is the reality of surrendering to your agenda on any given day. Not everything is unpredictable, of course, but things are inevitably more complicated to do for a variety of reasons. Buying clothes is more than spending money; it is a decision to use a decent amount of energy in speaking a new language, bargaining with a person that gives you a special 'foreign-devil' price, and choosing whether it is worth the effort to comparison shop to save a few bucks. Even language itself is a daily lesson in discipline and humility; in order to grow, you have to work hard, fumble through new words and sound stupid until it becomes natural, then start over with new material the next day. And then in my case, you get to go back and be stupid all over again after you've forgotten the lessons from your humiliation the week before. There is surrender involved. A surrender of pride, a surrender of many little things you didn't realize gave you stability or confidence or comfort in your former surroundings, and a surrender of your agenda to make things happen in a certain way. This is what defines what God is teaching me lately; as a good friend of mine has says back in the US:

"The greatest freedom in this kingdom is from the tyranny
of your own desires, agendas and plans."

How true I think that is, and how freeing indeed.

Blessings to you all, wherever you are. I'll try to hang out here a bit more often!

I'm Kind of a Big Deal... People Kind of Know Me (In Shanghai)

Well, we made it to Shanghai just fine, and three weeks later are basically settled into our new apartment (a 13th floor 3br. 2ba. with great balcony views), and almost adjusted to our 4 hours of Mandarin class every day. As many of you know, we fled the United States to escape from the spotlight of US media coverage - like so many before us (TomKat, Brangelina, and CarrotTop ...) we were known as "Coch" (Corrie/Chris) in the tabloids. The hole we left was, of course, immediately filled by Vidaham (David and Victoria Beckham), who soon became the new victims of larger-than-life stardom. All we wanted was a calm, peaceful, and secluded life in rural Shanghai, where we could roam amidst 21 million people without being recognized. We should have known better...

Channel 'Young' (I don't actually know the Chinese name) decided to do a feature on us - sort of an official "China loves and welcomes the Van Velzers" news clip. They came to our apartment, and we decided it would be best to invite a few friends over (including Charlie "Chuck" Engelmann, who we have sort of hired as our Manny to open our front door, etc.). We should have known that fame knows no borders - that every language knows the word 'superstar' - and that being international celebrities is in our blood, not just our stylish clothes, ridiculous contribution to pop culture, and totally unfounded political opinions.

So, I decided to make this blog a first for Ruined For Life - a VanVideo Blog. You'll have to excuse the quality of the video from the program - I had to film the TV with our video camera, which causes massive problems with flickering. We've seen ourselves on TV so many times, it just wasn't worth buying a digital recorder for such a small segment.

With any luck, by the time you have finished reading this, the video below will have mostly preloaded (depending on your internet speed, although it is a beefy download). I also took the liberty of adding some subtitles, so that our Western friends could understand all of the Chinese. If you do know Chinese, you might pick up something in the program about "interviewing foreigners" and "seeing what they do for Chinese Spring Festival" - but that's just because the Chinese words for those phrases sound exactly like, "interviewing international superstars Chris and Corrie."

I'm going to go comfort Corrie now - she has been so overwhelmed by the media attention that she broke down and shaved her head yesterday, and got a tattoo of an armadillo and an eggplant on her forehead. I hope you enjoy!


(Note: the real story behind this video is that China is fascinated with foreigners in general, especially foreigners living in China. A friend of Chuck's called him to see if he and some foreigner friends could do a quick segment on what foreigners do for 'Spring Festival' - the Chinese New Year, which has been going on all week (blog to come on that later). We filmed it at our place, since we are fortunate enough to have a pretty big kitchen and apartment. I think just about every foreigner in China has to be on Chinese television at least once as the token 'wai guo ren' (lit: outside-country person, or foreigner). We just got our opportunity sooner than later!)

Totally Unspiritual Post: Learning Chinese

In anticipation of our move to Shanghai, I have been working hard on making sure I have some basic phrases down, and I thought that I would share some of those with you here. In learning any language, you really want to make sure that you've always got the basics covered - especially since meeting people tends to be comprised of the exact same conversation - something like, "Good to meet you. My name is Chris. I am American. Did you know your squatty potty is overflowing? Yes, that is what smells." There are lots of other useful phrases though, some of which people don't think of. If you only memorize the basics, it can be very limiting in early conversations.

Although many people think Mandarin is very hard to learn, it's really not. In fact, if you memorize the list below, you too can master the basics we have been working on. Don't worry about tones - although they communicate meaning in Mandarin, these phrases would be very difficult for a Chinese person not to understand. Just say them as it feels right, and you should be fine.

"That's not right"
= "Sum Ting Wong"

"Are you harboring a fugitive?"
= "Hu Yu Hai Ding"

"See me ASAP."
= "Kum Hia Nao"

"Small Horse..."
= "Tai Ni PoNi"

"Did you go to the beach?"
= "Wai Yu So Tan"

"I bumped into a coffee table."
= "Ai Bang Mai Dam Ni"

"I think you need a face lift."
= "Chin Tu Fat"

"It's very dark in here."
= "Wai So Dim"

"I thought you were on a diet."
= "Wai Yu Mun Ching"

"This is a tow away zone."
= "No Pah King"

"Our meeting is scheduled for next week."
= "Wai Yu Kum Nao"

"Staying out of sight."
= "Lei Ying Lo"

"He's cleaning his automobile."
= "Wa Shing Ka"

"Your body odor is offensive."
= "Yu Stin Ki Pu"

"Do I speak clearly?"
= "Wai Yu La Fa"

I hope this has been helpful for you. We will be in Shanghai in about 72 hours, and covet your conversations with Dad!

The Comings and Goings of Life

Okay, so blogging has been really, really non-existant. It's not that I've had nothing to write about in China - on the contrary, there has been a lot happening here. But the longer it's been since I last posted a blog entry, and life stacks up more and more - until before you know it, the pressure of your "I'm baaaaack" blog builds like a stomach full of mentos doused with a few big gulps of soda. So don't expect anything great or incredible from this entry - it's just me forcing myself to break the ice after a long, unintentional break.

So we live in Hong Kong. Well, we live in Hong Kong for another week. On January 30th, we move to Shanghai - where we will be as long as God has us there, as long as God is thinking 3-5 years like we are. The last 5 months here have been an absolute whirlwind; Mandarin classes every day, living with the Zacharias, going from a hyper-active social life with friends to a basically non-existant one. The hardest challenge has been the feeling of 'being neither here nor there' - we primarily came to Hong Kong first to have a unique time with the family, and to get to know Kylee Ming - who became our sister in August (or 150 sleeps, as she would say in broken, but really good English). But knowing that we were going to be moving to Shanghai in 5 months wasn't much motivation for getting 'plugged in' to a social scene here - which, although different, was also kind of refreshing. Although we miss our friends and family in the States tremendously, we are really looking forward to putting some roots down, and really starting to form an identity of 'our own lives' in Shanghai.

Life is again, about to change dramatically - and we'll be bumping up our study schedule from 2 hours a day to 4 hours a day - including studing Hanyu characters. We'll have an apartment of our own, which we need to find and move into with 5 days, which is when our classes start. We're enrolled at a language school that is affiliated with a University, which is good, but also means we will have very few vacations between now and June. Our speaking is coming along well, but living in Shanghai will dramatically improve our confidence and practical conversation skillset within the first few months, and be the key for foundational fluency within the somewhat foreseeable future. Once we've settled into our study-schedule, we'll start working part-time; there are a few opportunties we'll choose between when we get there.

It really is strange to think of what our life was like 6 months ago, and what it will be like in another 6 months. I am constantly amazed at the way Father uses everything - and I mean everything - to teach us, and bring us closer in our relationship.

So that's the update. Now I can start posting on random, deep, or other topics without feeling like they'd be inappropriate to post out of the blue. Hope life is treating you well, wherever you are.

The Church I Know...

I think by now we can all acknowledge that I'm a slacker when it comes to posting on my blog here. No, no - don't try to defend me... it's true. If it makes you feel any better, I will spend at least 2 hours tonight verbally flogging myself with really difficult Mandarin words. If that doesn't make up for it, then either this posting will, or it REALLY won't. A little over a week ago, a friend and I launched TheChurchYouKnow.com. It is the project that has been sucking up all of my creative web energy that would normally go into RuinedForLife... and I think that although this site has suffered lately for it, it was worth the wait.

Even as I post this, I am a little "nervous" doing so. I don't mean 'nervous' in the sense that my armpits are sweating and my bowels are preparing for the usual 'fight or flight - but first let me drop a load' response. I mean I'm a little... self-consciously nervous. Allow me to explain...

I know there are many people that read this site that I don't at all. I don't care about you. (I'm just kidding - c'mere, and gimme a hug). Then there are those that have stalked me my whole life and caused me to flee to Hong Kong for safety. But then, there are a lot of people (like, at LEAST 4 and a half people) that I do know personally, whether as a friend or family member. Many in this latter category (though not all) attend a local church service regularly. You'll understand more when you visit the site, but although I wish I could say that I've talked with each of you personally about some of my loves and frustrations with 'church life,' I haven't. This site definitely has some videos that are on the border of irreverance (and some might even say they are way past the border, enjoying a Corona somewhere in southern Mexico...). I guess at the end of the day, I want those people to know I still love and respect you and where God has you, even if you don't relate to this site at all - and as you know me for who I am, if we haven't been able to talk about these specific things, it's not because I had anything to hide... it just doesn't always comme up in the course of hanging out.

To the people that I haven't had a chance to talk with about some of these issues personally, I guess I would say that if we get the chance, or if you have any questions, I'd love to at any time. I'd recommend starting with a good look at the 'credo' page of the site before you watch the videos, as this is really where the heart behind our content is described. I'm not anti-church. And if you know me, you certainly know I'm pro-Jesus. But I do want to see the larger Church changed into a greater likeness of Christ... and these videos highlight just a few of the issues that I have come to take with what man has added to a relationship with God. Maybe I'm being overly paranoid, since we really have recieved an overwhelmingly positive response to the site and videos. But just in case it catches anyone off guard, I wanted to explain it to those that know me personally first.

Hope you enjoy... and if you don't, I hope the site will at least lead us to a conversation and discussion that draws us closer to Him. I have faith that despite my occasional irreverent humor, He is more than able to allow whatever is good to bear it's fruit, and whatever is bad to fall off the tree and into irrelevance.

P.S.: I would also say that if you're inclined, I'd recommend posting something in the forum on the site and joining the discussion there, as I think there is some potential for great discussion to take place on some of these issues.

From China, With Love

Wherever they may find you, these words are originating somewhere over the Pacific Ocean, in between the two continents that hold virtually all of my past, and much of my future. Things have been slow on the website for the past month and a half (and by slow, I mean slow like watching a video in slow motion of molasses running down the back of a turtle. In the North Pole.) Everything has been given away, prepared for storage, or packed into our four suitcases – carefully planned not to exceed the designated Asian weight limit unit of “one elephant”. We have said our goodbyes to many, many people. We have changed our addresses, sold and donated our cars, trained our work replacements, and left Pepperdine University, which has been home for longer than any other place I have lived. And we have answered the question, “why are you moving to China” approximately one quintillibillion times, which, as anyone who has studied theoretical math knows, is almost twice as much as a bazillion, and four times as much as the number of news reports about Mel Gibson’s meltdown 3 miles away from our now former home.

Life has been busy since my last update. For one, just over a week ago, we met our new sister for the first time; her name is Kylee, and boy is she a firecracker. Kylee was adopted through fully miraculous circumstances by Corrie’s parents; she will be six in just a few weeks, is from central China, and, because she speaks mostly Mandarin still, is able to scream in each of Mandarin’s four tones – rising, falling, biting, and ear-drum-splitting. Honestly though, I can already tell that she is an exceptional kid – and she has handled the transition from orphanage to BIG family very well.

As I have mentioned in previous blogs, Corrie and I have finally completed our move to China; we will be living with the Zacharia pack in Hong Kong for the fall – in part to have a soft landing in China and a bonding experience with Kylee and the Zacharia family, and in part to begin our goal of becoming fluent in Mandarin (which we will be working on for the next several millennia). Granted, Hong Kong isn’t exactly the perfect place to be getting our start in Mandarin, as it is a Cantonese speaking city, but it’ll do for stupid beginners who currently only know Chinese phrases like, “Kung Pao” and “Knee How Maw.” In the spring, we will make another move – to a large, and yet undetermined major Chinese city – more than likely Shanghai. From there we plan on starting our own empire of Panda Express franchises, which, shockingly, no one has thought of doing in China.

There is a lot that we don’t know right now. Frankly, I’ve never had so much peace and confidence in a decision that entails so little information at this point. At the end of the day, God is with us – right here, right now. As strange as it feels, it is incredibly exciting not to know all the answers, or have a fully formed comfort zone, or to be able to ask the man next to me whether he prefers to fold or scrunch his toilet paper (currently, my attempts to communicate this question through the international language of charades is only being met with nervous stares.) We’ll be studying Mandarin for at least the next year full-time, but beyond that – the world is literally wide open. Well, China is, at least – which is 1/5th of the world. So here’s to the future, my friends, and – as a dear friend of mine would say – life abundant, with abandon.

How Do I Respond To Pain, Redux

Ok, so I'm sitting in the airport in Nashville, TN. - on a much longer layover than I expected, en route to St. Louis. And of course, gnawing on my conscience like a rat on a cheeto is the fact that I haven't done a post to RFL since (insert incredibly witty statment here that makes you think, "God, it was worth reading this post just for that!").

So I'm pulling the ultimate blogger no-no; I am about to complete the web equivalent of spitting your gum out on the sidewalk in Singapore, or buying a Kevin Federline album. I'm reposting a blog from almost a year ago.

I know. But in my defense, I don't think most of my current readers take the time to go alll the way back to read my early stuff, and frankly, I had some good early stuff that I still think about and process from time to time. The problem was, my early stuff was read by RFL's two unique visitors at the time - namely, myself and Andrew Brumme, and now sits buried under over a year's worth of other postings. Here's the deal though: now that RFL has over 2,000 unique visitors a month, I would actually like to expand this posting with your help.

In the later part of the blog, there are some listings for different knee-jerk euphamisms or responses to the experience of pain in other people's lives... now is your chance to add the stock responses and an appropriate name in the comments section! I know there are more readers now... but I have such a totally suck-ass comment scene. So if you read with any regularity - now is your chance to be known. Include your name and where abouts you're hailing from... even if you can't think of anything legitimate to post. Example:

I'm Chris and I'm from Malibu... holla. Been with RFL from the beginning. Great stuff. Here is a response I have heard often...
"The Nut-Smasher: Who know's what God is doing with all this crap you're experiencing [friend kicks you in the groin] - but I'll bet that takes your mind off of it for awhile!"

Make sense? Then without further ado, here is the repost of "How Do I Respond To Pain.":
-------------------
Saturday, I had a conversation with a good friend about some of his recent frustrations. He is in a job right now that is really not fulfilling to him, and feels stuck and unable to move forward in really pursuing the vocation he feels called to. For the better part of a year, he and his wife have been praying that God would provide some new work opportunity, or open the door to something else. Adding to the problem, his current job is relatively far away from home, and moving is not really an option, unless it is to a new job that is going to be able to financially provide for his family.

Although he has been researching and making calls on other opportunities that are more in line with the career he wants to pursue, about a month and a half ago he was contacted by someone whom he had given his resume a while back. The job itself was almost perfect: it was within 10 minutes of home, a move in line with his dream career, a good environment with Christians, and they had contacted him! The hitch was that the position was currently slated to be part-time, and thus could not provide financially unless it was restructured to be full-time. In talking with the organization, my friend was told to put together a proposal for making the position full-time position (and detailing what he would do with it), and last week, the "powers that be" had a meeting to review funding the position as such.

Many of us have been in a situation like this before - maybe not with a job, but with something else that we desperately want God to do. Then, after a long and patient wait, it seems that He is moving on our prayers! We watch with amazement as "divine circumstances" and prayers seem to finally intersect, and wonder at how God could so masterfully weave the improbable with reality. Often, as the fulfillment of the desire gets closer and closer, we feel affirmed in our hearts and spirits, and even can feel like God is confirming that this is what He wants for us. For example, my experience came when I was 14 and waiting to come out of puberty... or, uh... waiting for a friend to come out of puberty. But I digress.

Sometimes, He does confirm his word, and it happens. Other times, however, everything falls through at the last minute when everything seemed like it was all but in the bag. Or even worse... the object of our desire stalls just short of cresting that last hill, and rolls back further than it came in the first place. In my friend's case, everything seemed to be going swimmingly until he received a message on his answering machine: "Some new things came up, and we've filled the position internally."

After over a year of waiting, and coming so close to something that seemed so right on so many levels, one has to ask: “Why God?” Why tease me with this? Why bring something so close, only to have it not work out? Why not just let me keep praying until You are ready to bring it to fruition? Is this even what You want for me? I thought this is what You were saying... I thought You were leading me to this? What gives?

This is really not very different from any type of painful event in our lives – whether a deep desire is kept from us, or a good thing in our life is suddenly taken away or ruined – health, relationship, a home. All of us have been there for something.There are several responses that I have heard over the years in situations like this, and often times, if you share the issue with enough people, you’ll hear each at least once! Among the favorites:

The Cinderella: You may think that you've lost the prince forever and that joy was just a fool's dream, but God's about do something even more amazing in your life! Just wait!

The Joshua: You can see the Promised Land... just claim it in faith man! It's yours if you just keep marching around those walls and believe. Claim it! Pray even more!

The Moses: Maybe there is something in your life that is keeping you from "entering in" to God’s promises. Perhaps God wants you to deal with some sin in your life, and keep you in the desert for awhile. Do you have any idols in your life that you’re not letting go of? This may feel hard, but it's mercy, really- it’s good for you.

The Ying-Yang: Look, everything has a purpose. You can't understand it, but you've just got to believe that everything has a balance and works itself out in the end.

The Eve: We live in a fallen world. This wasn't God - it was the product of sinful people making decisions in sin. It wasn't "meant to happen"- they messed up. Or you did.

The Beelzebub: Satan is really attacking you right now. He’s out to mess up this great work of God; rebuke the enemy! Bind him, and you’ll see the breakthrough. (By the way, it usually doesn’t hurt to “bind him” many, many times over. And don’t forget to cast him to either the outer darkness, or to the feet of Jesus.)

The Green-Thumb: God just wants to grow you. You are maturing as I watch you- amazing! Praise Him for hardship and suffering!

The Avoider: Well, I’ll be praying for that. What’s the score?

I’d be willing to bet that most people have heard all of these responses at some point. Obviously, I’m poking fun at some of them, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I think they are all heretical or way off base (even though, if you notice, some of them blatantly contradict one another).

I’ll be up front now in saying that I’m digging myself into a hole I don’t know how to climb back out of. If you’re going to be disappointed that this article doesn’t have a quaint “wrap-up” at the end that explains the answers in a few verses of scripture, then get ready to be… well, disappointed. What is the right “response” in a situation like this? If we have not yet faced them ourselves, surely, we have been with others that have. What do you say to…

…someone who has given years of work for a Godly purpose, only to see the effort erased in a moment
…a parent whose child does not and may never have a relationship with God
…a friend whose spouse leaves them for another lover
…a relative who is ridden for life with physical pain from a simple, senseless accident?

Even as I write them, responses instinctively pop into my head (most of which, ironically, I just poked fun at above). These responses sometimes seem adequate when we hear them from a friend or comfort ourselves with them. But in my experience, the deeper the pain, the less these explanations fill the nagging, haunting void of “why,” as much as they do distract us from facing the question. Each response either tries to explain the event, or illuminate what we need to do from here – because if we can understand it as having a purpose, or if we can act to fix it, then somehow, the pain is easier to bear. Understanding and action help us to feel some amount of control over the pain, which in turn, makes it seem less painful. In many Christian circles, the only heretical answer is, “who knows” – because it simultaneously implies that God is capriciously loving and cruel, and that we are not close enough to Him to know His intentions.

But is it ok not to have a response? It is possible to simply share the burden? Is it enough to understand, and fearlessly acknowledge the simplicity of frustration or the gravity of devastation – to mourn (not pontificate) with those who mourn? If the question remains, “Why did this happen,” is it ok for the answer to simply be, “I don’t know?” The flaw seems to be in the question. Perhaps “why” isn’t important at all. The most we can acknowledge is what we do not and may never understand, but in spite of it ask, “Father, what do you want to show me in this? Who are You?” If relationship is what Father longs for, then “why” usually will only distract us from really approaching “who.” All explanations seem so inadequate next to simply sharing the pain, and sharing the journey that is designed at every turn to lead us to that relationship. I may never be able to answer the “why” – either for you or myself – but I can share the pain without having a way to control it or justify it, and I can run, or walk, or crawl with you towards knowing Him. And that might just be enough.

My Mockingbird Obsession

Every once in awhile, I hear an album or musician that I become obsessed with. Usually, the obsession escalates into outright fanaticism over the following weeks or months. We've all been there. It starts with an "I luv (enter their name here)" tattoo on your butt cheek, and ends in police car outside of said musician's home where you were digging through their trash, hoping to find some personal artifact, or maybe a Nair strip with some of their hai... uh, well, I've heard some people get pretty intense about it. Anyway, that obsession for me, of late, has been Derek Webb's "Mockingbird" album.

I'm not going to take hours and hours to write a lengthy review of the album, but let me just say, it really is worth your time. It's like a good steak that you can just chew, and savor, and all throughout the saliva and chewing more and more flavor comes out, until finally your head explodes with sensory overload. I've listened to this album way too much, but I'm amazed at the things I still get out of it, or am still pondering. It's not that it's the most amazing music I've ever heard, but more that the lyrical content of some of his songs have themes I connect with very deeply.

Some songs from this album are in the stereo system in the menu above - so settle down, hit play, and enjoy.

A word of advice: one of my favorite songs, "A New Law" - will be much easier to understand the first time around if you know in advance it's sung sarcastically - as a commentary on the way so many followers of Christ forsake their freedom for security and control of a new system of rules.

Great lines to listen for:
In 'A New Law':
Don't teach me about moderation and liberty - I prefer a shot of grape juice...
In 'King and a Kingdom':
There are two great lies that I've heard: 1) The day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die, 2) and that Jesus Christ was a white, middle class Republican, and if you want to be saved you have to learn to be like him...
-and-
My first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man. My first allegiance is not to democracy or blood - it's to a King and a Kingdom.

Sing on, brother - sing on. Hope you enjoy.
P.S.: While the music in the Living Room can be listened to temporarily while I've got it up, you can't download it for a reason. I strongly believe in putting your money to things that are worthwhile, so that those things continue to reproduce. If you like Derek, pick up "Mockingbird" here.

'Phishing' and the Betrayal of Carpzilla

As I mentioned in the photo album post, I just returned from a week's vacation at the Zacharia Lakehouse in northern California. It was a great vacation, all things told - three of my good friends, Andrew Brumme, Jonathan Bakewicz, and Rob Garey decided that before some major shifts in our lives take place, it would be a unique opportunity to get away for a whole week of fellowship and fun together. Besides a lot of fishing, eating, and water-sporting, there were a few other adventures worth mentioning...

Phishing for A Site Shutdown
First, as many of my readers probably noticed, Ruined for Life had a little vacation of its own for about 5 days... and it wasn't paid vacation either. As life would have it, some moron hacked into my domain space and uploaded a phishing scam for a bank in Australia... I received an e-mail while on vacation explaining that a fraudulent site was in operation at my domain address, and that its intent was clearly criminal in nature. Being in a relatively remote place, I got to deal with it via a dial-up (also known as "please shoot me in the face") internet connection. I was able to respond within a few hours, deleted the files, and contacted the bank's IT Security team back, as well as my own host, StartLogic. Although I consider myself fairly technologically savvy, I have no idea how this was accomplished. Perhaps the hacker guessed my password, which had formerly been, "HackersHaveSmallTesticlesOnTheirForehead" - and incidentally, was formerly the password for all my bank accounts. Good thing I changed it, I guess... Anyway, it took several days (too long, in my opinion) for StartLogic to conclude that I was obviously too smart for something so stupid, and they restored my site to its full glory. Thanks for hanging in there...

So Dark The Con of Carp...
The other tale relates to an event that took place at the lake. Let me try to be brief with this one: we fished a lot at the lake. Jonathan and I, arguably, are the two best fisherman amongst us, although Andrew and Rob gave a gallant effort. By Thursday of the week, our us-lake/win-loss record (ie, fish caught vs. lost or escaped) went something like: Chris: 10-2, Jonathan: 8-3, Andrew: 1-0, Rob: 0-5. Rob caught a catfish early on. It escaped from the stringer. Rob caught another one later... but we only found out AFTER we realized it had broken the pole holder and pulled the pole into the lake with it. It was sad. Everyone hurt in their hearts for Rob. I mean, even Andrew had caught a fish. But not Rob....

So around Wednesday or Thursday night, Jonathan were in the small boat fishing. We had only been out 30 minutes or so, and had already caught 2 fish, and miraculously, the fishing pole that Rob had lost to one of his catfish. Jonathan had just pulled in the biggest bass he had ever caught - a very nice size - and Andrew yells from the shore, "Guys, Rob just caught the biggest fish ever! You have to see it - it's like a 20 pound carp!" We were skeptical, but hopeful. We paddled in to the dock, and sure enough, there was a carp, roughly the size of a wooly-mammoth, with Rob standing over it. We estimated it to weigh over 20 pounds, since I can bench lift Andrew (who weighs 15lbs) and I couldn't even lift the carp with Jonathan's big-gun arms spotting me.
Jonathan and I were thrilled. Here was Rob, with a dismal fishing record, having caught the biggest "middle finger to all those who doubted me" fish of the year. It was huge, and we were already recounting the stories we would all tell to our grandchildren as I took the carp back to the lake to release him (carp is not good eating). Since he had been out of the water for about 10 minutes at this point, he was hurting... and although I think its gills were about one generation away from evolving into human lungs, I had to really work with him to snap back once in the water. We watched him slowly swim into the depths of the lake, and made our way inside for dinner.

About an hour later, after I had e-mailed my in-laws with the story, after we had put the picture of Rob on the desktop of the computer, etc. - Andrew proposed a toast to Rob, the fisherman of the week. We all heartily agreed. And then Rob said, "Andrew, isn't there something you want to tell Jonathan and Chris...?"

Andrew proceeded to describe how Rob had not actually "caught" the fish by himself, but rather, another boat of fishermen had snagged it by the neighbor's dock. As they were passing, about to throw it back into the lake, Andrew called out and asked if they could keep it to "show their friends." They drove the boat up to the dock, passed the fish over, and went on their way.

Needless to say, Jonathan and I were fairly disappointed - even hurt. We had hoped that beyond all odds, Rob had been able to make a catch of the year. As the story unfolded, we really hold Rob mostly innocent, as the idea of passing it off as Rob's catch was Andrew's idea, as was the decision to tell us over an hour later instead of just after we had released it. The loss of our excitement was bitter, like I imagine urine would be if I ever had to taste it.

So, if you're inclined to tell Andrew how you feel about this travesty, feel free to drop him a line at the Brumme.com Contact Page. Hackers of the world, you may also feel free to hack into Brumme.com next time you wish to post a fraudulent Phishing scam, as I feel that would be appropriate retribution in this matter.

My Jive WIth RIVE

After some planning, Ruined for Life will be trying out a little experiment with a Christian clothing company, RIVE. (Just think of 'jive' when you say 'RIVE,' and you won't get the pronunciation wrong.) RIVE originally contacted me because they wanted to manufacture a 'Ruined for Life' line of men's Speedos, which would be produced 3 sizes smaller than advertised as sort of a joke, and to actually ruin the lives of the people that wore them or saw them being worn. I passed on the Speedo offer, but said a 'Ruined for Life' t-shirt might be really sweet. They laughed.

Basically, RIVE is a new-ish clothing company that has hip, edgy, Christian themes - not of the WWJD... FAKB variety (i.e. What Would Jesus Do... For a Klondike Bar). There are 5 basic reasons I like these guys - whom I'll introduce via interview in a moment:

1) The clothes are genuinely cool - and rely on artistic quality to attract attention, as opposed to a generic or obnoxious, "Don't Blame Jesus for Sending You to HELL" type message. Just check them out... you'll know what I mean.
2) Each t-shirt design gives 10% of it's proceeds to a different charity of the designer’s choice. Did I mention you should buy the Ruined for Life Speedo for your loved one (coming soon)?
3) They partner with ethical, socially conscious manufacturers. That means there may be a premium, but you can be assured it's great quality, and not keeping a kid out of school and in a factory somewhere.
4) They are featuring Ruined for Life in their RIVE blog sections, because they want their site to be sort of a center for Christian-based media and engaging content, which of course, goes with Ruined for Life like sizzle does steak.
5) They are giving me and my wife a free t-shirt. And a new house (by the way guys, can you send us the escrow papers when you get a chance?).

So, you can find RFL over at RIVE, and you'll be able to hop on over to RIVE using the nifty button I've put in the left-bar links. Essentially, we're just saying, "hey, you - you with all that awesomeness. Let's let our awesomenesses make some babies" - without some of the implications that might normally imply. Who knows where it will go...

Who is behind RIVE? Adam Zarlengo and Tuck Ross. I had the chance to meet up with these brothers at Chili's, where the Spirit is always thick (both in the 'Holy' sense, and the 'byproduct of a gastrointestinal process' sense). I put them through the usual, rigorous interview, so that my readers would get a feel for who they were. [Note: due to a coke being spilled on the notepad where I took notes from this interview, some answers may reflect my best attempt to remember the subtle nuances in the wording of their answers. In order to maintain the highest journalistic integrity, I noted anything that was from memory alone in italic typeface].

Q: Where were you born?
(Adam): In a hospital.
(Tuck): The bathroom sink. Just over there.

Q: How old are you guys?
(Tuck): Purple, with shades of chartruse.
(Adam): Yes. Probably.

Q: What do you do with RIVE?
(Adam): I handle all of the shouting, laughing, business development, and punctuation.
(Tuck): Mostly, I like to draw pictures of monkeys. But these monkeys are gifted illustrators, that draw clothing designs. Monkeys are so talented?
(Adam): Tuck, I told you not to put question marks at the end of statements. LEAVE THE PUNCTUATION TO ME!!! HAHHH HAH HAHHH HA!
(Tuck): ...
(Adam): HAHA! Ha! Ha.

[awkward silence...]

Q: What is RIVE trying to do/be, exactly? What is the premise behind the company?
(Tuck): We want to be an edgy, monkey friendly, relevant, Christian speedo line - with clothes that are bold and wedgie resistant, but without judgment.
(Adam): I think there are a lot of people out there that would love to wear a Christian speedo line of clothing, but not dumb stuffed animals. We want to be the premiere Christian underground brand - and our tithe design is to make sure we're giving back meaningfully in a way that doesn't involve stealing or ultimate cagefighting. Not that there is anything wrong with cagefighting.
(Tuck): Holla.

Q: Have you ever considered a Christian burlap lingerie line? I've got some really great ideas. I feel like scratchy/sexy is really in right now...
(Tuck and Adam): Brilliant, just brilliant, etc. We'll make it happen, etc.

Q: Great, great. In a perfect world, where would you see RIVE in 5 years?
(Tuck): It depends on whether or not time travel has been invented yet.
(Adam): I'd probably answer differently. But beyond that - maybe a Christian media company that encompasses music, media, and apparel - and that is welcoming and loving of people who enjoy nude knitting.

So hop on over to RIVE, and say hello to some new friends, and maybe even buy a shirt or twelve. And, if enough of you send in requests... MAYBE I'll allow the RFL Speedo to go into production.