Totally Unspiritual Post of the Week, #7

For this week's totally unspiritual post, I have two things:

1) RPS 15

Rock paper scissors was invented by framers of the constitution to decide crucial issues of civil liberties once and for all - which is where the ACLU picked up the trend of using it in court. We all know that rock smashes scissors, paper covers rock, and scissors impale the unsuspecting loser, but modern diplomacy and global negotiations theory has necessitated the invention of a new alternative: RPS 15. Moving beyond the limitations of the original Rock-Paper-Scissors, RPS 15 can be used to decide more complex issues such as nuclear arms escalation, modern game theory, global poverty, and whether or not people without arms should be allowed careers in diplomacy.

The relationships of winning and losing can be tracked using the chart below.



2) Additionally, I found this article to be a comforting reality should RPS 15 diplomacy break down, thus throwing the US into a foreign conflict. The next time terrorists or other enemies try to swim into the country for an invasion, we'll be ready for 'em.

Armed and dangerous - Flipper the firing dolphin let loose by Katrina by Mark Townsend Houston, Sunday September 25, 2005
The Observer

It may be the oddest tale to emerge from the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico.

Experts who have studied the US navy's cetacean training exercises claim the 36 mammals could be carrying 'toxic dart' guns. Divers and surfers risk attack, they claim, from a species considered to be among the planet's smartest. The US navy admits it has been training dolphins for military purposes, but has refused to confirm that any are missing.

Dolphins have been trained in attack-and-kill missions since the Cold War. The US Atlantic bottlenose dolphins have apparently been taught to shoot terrorists attacking military vessels. Their coastal compound was breached during the storm, sweeping them out to sea. But those who have studied the controversial use of dolphins in the US defence programme claim it is vital they are caught quickly.

Leo Sheridan, 72, a respected accident investigator who has worked for government and industry, said he had received intelligence from sources close to the US government's marine fisheries service confirming dolphins had escaped.

'My concern is that they have learnt to shoot at divers in wetsuits who have simulated terrorists in exercises. If divers or windsurfers are mistaken for a spy or suicide bomber and if equipped with special harnesses carrying toxic darts, they could fire,' he said. 'The darts are designed to put the target to sleep so they can be interrogated later, but what happens if the victim is not found for hours?'...

Missed Him At The Pole

Today is officially "See You At The Pole" day - a morning when a whole bunch of Christians officially gather at flagpoles and celebrate the first time that pilgrims invited native americans to relocate to the North or South Pole. Usually, the celebration starts with prayer, and ends with a gluttonous consumption of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Honestly, I have nothing against the people participating in "See You At the Pole" (or SYATP, which, ironically, is also the abbreviation for "Surely, You Aren't That Pretentious). I have participated in one or two SYATP days myself, and, well... I saw people at the pole. Yesterday, I came across an interesting blog at Stupid Church People, which actually prompted this post. Steve (President Emeritus of Stupid Church People) really hated the idea of praying in public as being showy and hypocritical, and in direct contradiction with the ol' Matthew 6:5 "When you pray, don't be a retard like the Pharisees and do your gig on street corners so people will check out your chiseled butt." (Roughly Summarized Version, RSV). I don't have a problem with praying in public or where others can see me (Jesus did it)... but I think the heart of Matthew is, "Don't pray for attention. Or Krispy Kremes."

The SYATP national website is what really made my eyes roll. I quote them as saying:

"How desperately do you desire for God to come in power?

Is your heart truly broken for your non-Christian friends and the sin on your campus?

When you are seriously sold out and passionate about God He will honor your humble, broken, desperate cry. He wants to hear from you!...

If you are serious about selling out for Christ — hold on for the ride — you will be amazed at what God will do. God can use you beyond your wildest dreams! There is no better way than to pray, believing for the unimaginable. Dream big and pray with faith!"

Now, back in the day, I could pray down the heavens with the best of 'em. I knew for a fact that prayer was answered in proportion to my passion while praying... if I really, really meant it, then maybe I could convince God to do what I was praying for. Usually, the grander I prayed, the more He perked up: "Oh Gaaawd... Oh Faaaather. Come now in power!" I could stay up all night flinging bright, flaming arrows of prayer into the heavens. I would sign up for all of the big events: "Speak Deep," "Penultimate Awesome Prayer Siege," "Luv U All Nite" and such. If I was fasting, it was an even better way to get his attention - "Hey you! I'm starvin' down here! Com'on Jesus... save your people. Puh-leeeease! Otherwise, I'm not eating! Do you really want to kill me? Oh. Really?" I was definitely serious about maintaining a passion and vision for the fire of God to fall, lest He forget it was something He wanted to do. Incidentally, this type of prayer/fasting discipline dates back to the order of St. Constipatious, who was widely known for his spiritual gift of facial contortion when he was taking care of business in prayer (or while on the toilet, post-fast).

I wish all the people at the pole (also known as pee-poles) the best. But I hope they don't get a hernia trying to pray down the Spirit of God. For one, it's always awkward to lay hands for a hernia-healing, but two - I really don't think we need to convince God that He should move...as if He doesn't want to get off of the cosmic couch to do something. I hope those that feel the need to wake up on tomorrow morning in particular (as opposed to every day) can ask Father what He is doing right there, right then. And I hope we can all be satisfied with His presence, which is already in us and with us- not far away that we need to summon it, and not at work within us because of the passion or brokenness or "seriousness" of our prayers. He loves us - and He invites us to share and take part in what He is doing right here, right now. That's an invitaiton I'm interested in.

And tomorrow morning, that invitation happens to be in my bed, receiving the ministry of the Holy Comforter. If you think to pray for me this week, I'd love it; it's my busiest week of the year at work, involving 16+ hour days (organizing sorority recruitment). Just think: 800+ sorority women who are getting increasingly tired, cranky, and competitive with one another... and statistically, 150-200 of whom are probably experiencing a special time of the month. I'm the guy in charge. So yeah, I'd better see you at my stinkin' pole every morning this week. Goodnight!

The Parable Of Two Sons

“A certain man had two sons, Ethan and Simon. Ethan, the man’s eldest son, was a simple, good man, who lovingly cared for his wife and children, and showed kindness to all those around him. He was a carpenter by trade, and worked every night until the oil in his only lamp ran out. He loved carving small wooden animals for the children in the town, and they loved him through toothy smiles and delighted laughter. He worked hard and tried to do what was right, and prayed every night that God would keep him from sinning.

Simon, the youngest son, was madly in love with the king’s daughter – and even more so, she was madly in love with him. They were engaged to be married, and usually didn’t care what they were doing as long as it was together. Through their marriage, Simon would bring honor to his family and eventually become the king of their nation. Many whispered that Simon was to be the ruler who would finally deliver the kingdom from generations of poverty and wars.

One afternoon, Ethan saw a man beating his wife and young children because their cart had tipped over. Without thinking twice, he stopped and said to the man, “Sir, what you are doing is not right; have mercy on your wife and children, just as God has mercy on you.” The other man felt humiliated by Ethan’s remark, and pulling out a knife from his boot, stabbed him in the chest. As he prayed to God to have mercy on his soul and to watch over his wife and children, Ethan passed away.

The same afternoon Simon was out fishing with his fiancée, when suddenly a storm appeared on the horizon. Within an hour, giant waves were crashing over the sides of the small boat, and they were swept out to sea. When the weather had calmed, the battered vessel was leaking and taking on water quickly. It would only stay afloat to reach land again if one person jumped out of the boat and drowned. The two loved each other beyond imagination, and neither could bear to see the other one die. So, they decided to draw lots, hoping the other would be able to stay in the boat and live. Suddenly, the eldest son heard the voice of God say, ‘Throw your fiancée – the one that you love so much - out of the boat and into the water.’ Simon immediately did so.

I tell you the truth, Ethan was a great man, and will not go without reward. But the Simon was the greatest of all, having faith deeper than any man before him.”

---------------------------------

I wrote this at some point in college. I was asked to write a parable for a ‘Ministry of Preaching’ class I was taking at the time, and when I got it back, the only comment the campus minister had written was something to the effect of, “Interesting parable. It definitely needs some explanation. Incidentally, sniffing glue is a healthier alternative to acid.” It might seem like an odd, or even morose Christian parable – like if Tim Burton ever got saved, he’d probably spend most of his time writing parables like this (and the “Nightmare Before Christmas” would have involved a few more wise-men with chainsaws).

But I believe it expresses a biblical truth that is hard to fully comprehend unless put in this context. Notice that the account of the youngest son ends with him being obedient to God’s command to throw his fiancée overboard. This is problematic for several reasons. Most obviously, God would have never commanded Simon to murder his fiancée unless she had been listening to Brittany Spears at that exact moment. Since Brittany isn’t even mentioned in this parable, it’s clearly not God that is speaking. The fact that Simon didn’t even hesitate when he heard such a command puts his ability to discern the voice of God into question even more. Surely, he was not the great man that people though him to be...or was he? How can a murderer ever be called a man of God – a man of faith?

Ethan is alive and well in most churches, and leads a good life there. Ethan is who we are taught to model – and for good reason. Ethan is steadfast and solid; he is a man of faith-guided principles, and lives his life by those principles. He is active in his community. He is kind and loving to his family. Ethan is good; he’s about as predictable as stink on poop, but he’s a decent man.

Simon on the other hand? Clearly a nut job. One of those Pentacostal wackos that probably barks in meetings and is always claiming God told him to “sniff the glue.” He does these crazy things, and then says it was God who told him to do it. He’s unpredictable, ungrounded – and if he only knew his scripture better, he could be sure that God would never issue the command-equivalent of “kill thy neighbor.” It’s love thy neighbor, silly!

God doesn’t violate his own commands. He is everlasting, unchanging – the Great I AM. You can be sure it wasn’t Him that told you to kill your wife, or father, or son... or son.

What? Oh, yeah, Abraham. Well, but that’s different. Abraham knew he wasn’t going to actually kill his son. It was a test of trust – like a cosmic obstacle course. He passed. No big deal.

The youngest son had a “promise” of sorts in the marriage and relationship he enjoyed with his fiancée. He also loved her very deeply – the way a father, who never thought he would have children, might love his only son. It might make a difference to know that as he grabbed his fiancée to throw her into the water, an angel of the Lord caught her fall and gently lowered her back into the boat. It might make a difference if God decided to save them soverignly right then and there. But this man was blessed because he knew to follow the voice of his Father – who had won his trust, not just his obedience to principle. Even should he throw his wife overboard, even if she had died, he would bring her back to life and back to him – because that’s the Father whose voice he knew.

The shock is intended, because I think most people skip over Abraham’s situation. For Abraham, far more was at stake than simply trusting God. He didn’t know God was going to stop him before the knife fell. He just knew God was God – a God that speaks, and a Father that is worthy of our trust.

So - Ethan or Simon? Welcome to the journey.

Katrina Questions The Bipolar God

I don't feel I can let the events of the past week-plus go by without mentioning some of my thoughts surrounding Hurricane Katrina. (Note to self: do not name first daughter or son 'Katrina.' Speaking of, why do they have to name Hurricanes after people at all? How do you think all the little Katrinas of New Orleans feel? Can't you just call it 'Hurricane CheeseWhiz' or 'Hurricane Sucks-To-Be-You' and save these kids years of therapy? But I digress...) For me, I was aware of the situation before it occurred based on the predictions of the experts who saw the storm headed for the city. I waited, saw, and over the course of the next days, was increasingly amazed and heartbroken for the people and lives that have been forever changed. By the time I was hearing news of rapes and murders and street war in the Superdome, I was well into disbelief, and wished I could run for denial. But the images and stories kept on coming, and with them, the reality of the tragedy.

Then, I had to put up with strings of mass e-mails and blogs and articles blaming everyone from President Bush to... well, President Bush. And Newt Gingrich, just because his name is Newt, and a newt is a slimy water-dwelling worm. And the Lucky Charms Leprechaun, because honestly- what the heck has he been doing to respond to this disaster? It goes on and on... but there is someone that really hasn't taken the blame for this - and that's God.

One the one hand, that's not surprising. The people that believe in God period don't generally like to think of Him as the "city-razing" type - it's either bad for PR or just not comforting to imagine. Those that don't believe in God really can't blame Him fairly, since it's not even His fault He doesn't exist. Or something like that.

But bear with me a second. Is it *possible* that God is behind this? That He was in control of what happened? That He was the author of this destruction - and even death? Might he have sent Hurricane Katrina as judgment on a city? Is it possible for the God of Love to be involved? Honestly, even writing it makes me cringe. And I'm sure reading it kind of makes you feel... uncomfortable. Like maybe you don't want to think about it too deeply. Maybe you're nonchalantly dismissing it even as you continue to read this with growing disaffection. It might make you angry to suggest it. It sounds... blasphemous. Ludicrous. Absurd.

But then again, is there precedent - biblically, I mean? Isn't that why almost every news station has referred to New Orleans as a disaster of 'biblical' proportions? It wouldn't be the first time. I'm pretty sure God was behind at least one other flood. Or take a tour through Isaiah sometime, and check out what God says he's going to do with the Babylonians. Assyrians. Cushites. The list goes on. "But that's different" we say, because that was the "old, mean God" that came before the "loving, lamby-on-his-shoulders Jesus-God." The old God was angry with lots of people because of sin, but Jesus fixed that, and God's not as pissed anymore.

A lot of Christians live with this idea of semi-bipolar God. The Old Testament God is, well, old - and outdated. Jesus is the new cat in town, and he's a lot nicer for the most part (except for the occasional ramblings about 'eating my flesh and drinking my blood' stuff). But make no mistake - it's the same God. And yes, we can theologize about 'old covenant' vs. 'new covenant' all day long, but still - what's the deal?

I need to be careful here - because the point of this blog isn't really to argue a point, as much as ask some questions that I have been mulling myself. The thesis of this blog is definitely not: "I think God is punishing the sinful wickedness of New Orleans, and... we could be next!" I'm sure you thought I was going to wrap this up nicely. Nope. I have to go to bed! I definitely have some more thoughts on all this, but I'd rather leave you mulling for now; why are we willing to acknowledge that God is at work in healing the lives torn by this disaster, but not stopping to even consider whether He could have had a hand (or the hand) involved in the disaster itself as well? This isn't a case of hijackers acting of their 'own evil will' - it was an act of nature. Is God only in control of the good things in life? Are his hands tied because he's given us free-will and we live in a fallen world? Does he let Satan run rampant causing the destruction, and just help us to clean up the mess? Is nature just nature- whimsical and deadly - because it's a fallen, imperfect world? And where does the Lucky-Charms Leprechaun fit in to all of this, with his feigned perkiness and chalky marshmallows?!? These are the questions that go through my head at 2:14 a.m., after a long day of work.

Like I said, I definitely have some thoughts on this, but I'd be interested to hear yours before- or at least get you asking some of the tough questions involved.

And on a serious note: as your mulling, if you haven't already given to the relief effort, check out this site for a great summary of some places to start. Blessings.

Top Ten Ways to Reach Ruined For Life

Anyone that has a website with a decent stats program can see all of the nifty search terms that get people to their site from Google, Yahoo, and all the other engines. These search engines all function in a slightly different way, but most all of them have "robots" that constantly crawl around in the internet all day long, combing over websites for updates, carrying out assassination plots, and slowly plotting their takeover of the human race. These robots then report their findings to King Google or Queen Yahoo, and are promptly sent off again to keep looking into our business.

You'll be pleased to know, however, that these robots aren't as smart as you would think, and they're probably at least 6 months away from being able to pull off a governmental overthrow. The kinds of phrases they pick up from a site are often pulled from many different words scattered throughout a site. I get a laugh seeing not only the search terms that bring people to RFL, but the kinds of things people actually type into Google or Yahoo. Thus, I present you with: the top 10 search phrases that brought somebody to Ruined For Life. These are not altered or made up. Someone actually typed these in, and somewhere in the thousands of search results that popped up, got to my site from those search results. I sure hope they found what they were looking for... except for #9-#1. Here they are:

#10: "Where is Pacific Coast Academy Located From Zoey 101 If I Want To Join"
#9: "How Cocaine Ruined My Life"
#8: "Was serial killer ted bundy ever excommunicated from the mormon curch?"
#7: "Ruined Orgasm"
#6: "Braless blunder pictures"
#5: "Erotic Dream of Coworker"
#4: "Sex Proned Secret Society"
#3: "Husbands fart"
#2: "Is Anal Sex Unspiritual"
#1: "Truckers Hygene Video"

As a note, I would have switched #1 and #2, but frankly, it's easier (and a little less controversial) to photoshop a picture for #1. This post is meant to demonstrate that even with the best of intentions a pure, chaste, and godly site such as Ruined For Life can be accused of containing content about sex-proned secret societies of unhygienic truckers that snort cocaine and participate in possible "unspiritual" activities involving their nether-regions. Be forewarned... you never know what you’ll find here. Hopefully though, someone will someday search for something truly sick and twisted, like “Jesus” or “Chris Van Velzer,” and they’ll end up here. (Google my name: RFL doesn’t even turn up until the 3rd or 4th page!). Oh well – you’re welcome to stay, however you got here. Probably.

Smoking Out With Jesus

I've found myself reflecting on more topics than I realistically have time to write about. These topics, to name a few, include the war in Iraq and Christian views of war/pacifism, the abstinence/virginity movement, the Christian idea of "the one" when it comes to love and marriage, and whether or not something as awful as gnome theft could strike my safe, suburban cocoon. I am, admittedly, a backlogged blogger, and RFL has seen a little less action than usual primarily because September is a personal tour of sleepless chaos and fun at work, which, when mixed with finishing my last class in the MBA program, is a cocktail for no website love. I'll be aiming for one post of substance and one post of total fluff per week; this would be a good month to send in articles and links of interest, or to write a guest article if you are so inclined! For now I've chosen a slightly unconventional topic, but one I consider vital in my relationship with God: cigars.

This is not a joke. I believe that God dwells in cigars. Some of you might not believe me, but it's in the Bible. Look at Exodus 19:18, which clearly states, "Mount Sinai was covered with smoke [from Moses' Montecristo No. 2], because the Lord descended on it in fire." Some say the relevant portion of this verse was inserted by someone other than Moses himself, but it is obviously accurate since all of the letters that make up the word "cigar" can also be found scattered throughout the entire Bible.

The other night, Corrie and I had just gotten back from spending some time with friends playing one of the most addicting games known to man. As I got home, I found myself growing increasingly anxious about all kinds of things: things that were coming up that I needed to do, decisions that needed to be made but that had vague answers and information for, things I wished I had done, things I wished I had time to do, and the fact that I had just pooped my own pants yet again. I tried to go to bed, and Corrie, picking up on the subtle cues of my clenched jaw and numbed stare, prayed for me - I just had no peace. As I lay in bed, the anxiety just seemed to get worse, and as I felt more and more restless, I decided I needed to go for a walk. On my way out, I grabbed a cigar. Granted, it wasn't the cigar pictured at right (which, incidentally, is the cigar mentioned in the Bible), but for anyone that know or cares, it was a particularly tasty alternative: the Hoyo De Monterrey Excalibur No. III (Maduro).

I went to one of the highest points on campus called the "Hero's Garden," which overlooks the University and much of Malibu. As I alternated between slowly pacing and sitting on a bench, I started telling God all the things that were weighing on me. What's up with this? I'm freaked out about that. And what the heck are You up to in this other situation? I knew He was there, I knew He was listening, and more than having all the answers, I became instantly aware of how none of the things I was worried about merited the attention I was giving to them. Our conversation is usually light; my talks with God in these times are not prolific, complicated conversations. Much of it is not even verbally communicated between us; it is simply felt and enjoyed. It may seem strange to say it, but I knew unequivocally that He was there enjoying my cigar with me, and it was more than enough to enjoy the profound simplicity of being with one another.

I think God is always speaking - and in all honesty, I just don't do well with structured time of prayer. That's a personal preference; I don't think there is anything wrong with having a traditional "quiet time," but for me, it just feels too impersonal and, well, structured. I don't really structure time with friends or family. I don't talk to them with an agenda of what needs to be discussed or what is going on with me. We just have relationship, and we share life together. It's much the same with God. And I think structuring time can lead us to compartmentalize when we go to Him, and even when we are aware of His presence in everything we do. He's always there. Worship and prayer are as simple and natural as talking and expressing our delight with who He is right there, right then. Although some will surely call me a heretic for saying so, it could be said that Jesus died so that we could share the proverbial "cigar" with Father anytime - and really, that is where my heart is being led; acknowledging Him in all things and at all times.

I don't just have a cigar when I'm freaking out; often, it's just because Corrie is out of town and I know she won't have to put up with the morning after, dead-cat-in-my-mouth aftertaste of a cigar. In college as an RA, I kept a humidor full of cigars for the guys in my hall, and we would smoke on average, once every week or two. Just a few weeks ago I enjoyed an incredibly memorable time of fellowship out in the middle of a lake with two of my best friends, Andrew Brumme and Jonathan Bakewicz, smoking Cuban cigars that Andrew might have possibly smuggled back from Europe. It is always a time of tremendous fellowship and sharing, because it allows us to slow down enough to really refocus on what is important and share our hearts openly with each other and God. I don't smoke cigars all that often anymore- and it's certainly not the only time I enjoy spending with Him in this way. But when I do have the opportunity to enjoy them, either alone or with friends, I am constantly amazed at the extent to which Father can use the time to really speak to me.

So here's to each of us finding time today to smoke out with Jesus, in our own way, with or without a cigar. Though preferably with, since it's more biblical that way. And, here is a reminder that you can personally contribute to my "time with God" as a graduation present come December (Excalibur No. III, Maduro).