An Ode To Moving

We've all done it at least once in our lives (starting with our exit from the womb). Moving. Surely, hell is a place where you continually accumulate more and more posessions, which you must pack, unpack, and move to a smaller space every single day for an eternity. As you've guessed, Corrie and I are finally "moved out" of our old apartment, which is distinctly different than being "moved in" to our new one.

For this reason, I have decided to dedicate this blog to the travesty of moving. It is something I have done 15 times in the last 8 years - and I think each time I have had at least slightly more stuff to move. This isn't our last move, certainly- in fact, we'll probably be moving again in just about a year. This time around, moving was exciting because we got to add "furniture" and a wide range of gifts that we received for our wedding to our list of posessions. Yes, coming from my previous "bachelor" moves, this relocation has been a little different. Whereas in my single years, I subsisted mostly on top ramen and orange peels that required no cooking tools other than tap water and fingernails, we now have 2 cuisinarts for cooking, both of which are still in original factory packaging and boxes. Whereas before, I could sweep the wood shavings I slept on into the garbage, we have to rent a truck to fit the king-sized, double-pillowtop mattress. Life has changed, and with it, moving has become even more of a nightmare.

I will begin my homage to moving with a few short haikus. You’ll remember that a haiku consists of a three-lined verse, with 5, 7, and 5 syllables in each respective line. I recommend composing haikus for just about all situations. The word “haiku” is most likely the Japanese equivalent of “achoo,” or the sound one makes in an American sneeze. They are supposed to be a source of healing by “sneezing out” one’s emotions and thoughts into a booger-like poem.

Moving worse than hell
Crap packed in boxes galore
Makes me hate my life

Where is it all from
Crap, crap, crap, crappity crap
Knee-deep I wallow

Too crappy to love
Too worthless for donation
Precious junk, I pack

The special thing about moving is that, not only do you get to pack all of your possessions, but those possessions then get to be unpacked shortly after. Usually, just around the time that you are finally done getting things unpacked over the course of a year or decade, it is time to pack it all up again. Some cultures believe that once a house is unpacked, evil moving demons will arrange for a work reassignment, just so that you can never be truly settled. This is why it is always smart to leave at least one room in your residence totally unfinished. Preferably with large crucifixes on the wall.

Below are some pictures of our “new” and “comfortable” apartment. Unlike the common belief that more space is better, we are downsizing by several hundred square feet and a garage, which means that these pictures reflect the way our apartment will probably stay throughout our residence. The good news, of course, is that our new apartment is currently as moving-demon-proof as it could be.

The first picture is our kitchenette/living room/dining room.



And of course, the most important room in the apartment: the office/guestroom/junkyard. Yes, that’s a box in the front labeled: “Family photos, 1971-1990.”




Everyone should know their moving quotient, which is the number of times they have moved divided by the number of years they have been alive. Mine is .923, meaning I have moved 24 times in my 26 years of life. It’s a great conversation starter at bars, and something impressive to cite on your resume. Anyone that is over the age of 21 and that has a moving quotient of 1 is usually qualified to hold just about any top-level job in the government, and can always get a job with “Starving Students,” a moving service that is notorious for crappy help, trucks that break down, and over-qualified subjects for deodorant-testing companies.

Here’s hoping we can call stay put for awhile; and just for the heck of it, I’d recommend packing up at least one box-load of stuff just to keep the spirit of unwanted moves far, far away. Once we get settled a little more, I’ll write about something profound and serious. Until then, you can come into my world by taking a dump in a box, labeling it “crap,” and adding it to our piles.

Totally Unspiritual Post of the Week, #5

This week's unspiritual post is making up for a little lost love. I actually am putting up TWO things for your viewing pleasure.

The first is something you might just want to print out right now: the official rules to calling "shotgun" in a car. All my friends and coworkers can consider themselves warned: I am now going to be a rule-nazi (or 'gaper,' as you'll read in the rule book) when it comes to claiming shotgun.

You can find the link to Shotgun Rules here.

Some of my favorite rules include:
The Deed Must Be Done Before Shotgun May Be Called
For these rules to work properly, it is essential for you to understand and accept the concept of the "Deed". Shotgun may only be called after the "deed is done". Simply stated, the deed is any activity or objective that directly precedes the ride in the automobile. The deed can be anything ranging from a visit at a friend's house, to a shopping trip at the mall, to a visit to the Grand Canyon. We cannot stress how important this is because this establishes a Shotgun-calling time frame that ensures everyone has an equal chance of recognizing when to call Shotgun. There is no crime greater than calling Shotgun on Monday in reference to the ride to the concert on Friday. Some people choose to play this way, and they are fools.

Significant Others
This is the most important exception. If a significant other (SO) is included in the group of automobile passengers and this person is the SO or potential SO of the driver, then they get automatic Shotgun privileges.

The Barefoot Rule
Since you must be outside to call Shotgun, some people will just grab their shoes, jump outside, and call Shotgun before putting their shoes on. This has been deemed "gaping", and is not a legal procedure. You must have your shoes on, if you choose to wear any, before you may call Shotgun.



The second post comes my way via a good friend I have in law school at Northwestern right now, to whom I will assign the alias "Rick Miltimore" to protect his identity. "Rick" is studying feudal property law, and was working on a class-action lawsuit involving a counterfeit shipment of goat dung when he came across a very interesting case:

Today I found a case from 1971 whereby a Pennsylvania man sued Satan (and his Staff) basically for interfering with his constitutional rights. At first the court worried that they couldn't obtain jurisdiction (because the Plaintiff never alleged that the Defendant lived in the jurisdiction) but then found an unofficial report of a trial wherein Satan, acting as Plaintiff, filed an action of mortgage forclosure in New Hampshire. Here is a brief excerpt from the case summary:

"Plaintiff sought leave to proceed in forma pauperis on a complaint filed against defendant chief fallen angel. Plaintiff alleged that defendant had threatened him, caused him misery, impeded his course in life, and generally precipitated his downfall, which injuries, plaintiff alleged, rose to constitutional dimension.

Stating its reservations regarding whether the alleged interferences with plaintiff's life stated a claim for which relief could be granted and questioning whether the court could obtain jurisdiction over defendant chief fallen angel, the court denied plaintiff's application for leave to proceed in forma pauperis. The court explained that the complaint failed to allege facts, at least as to defendant's residence within the district, which would support jurisdiction. The court noted an unofficial report of a prior appearance by defendant in a United States court as a party plaintiff, but questioned whether this was enough to establish jurisdiction by estoppel. Additionally, if it allowed the present action, the court stated that it would then face the issue of whether it would be better maintained as a class action. The court found the requirements of Fed. R. Civ. P. 23 appeared to be met, but questioned whether plaintiff was an appropriate representative of the putative class. Finally, the court noted that the complaint lacked instructions for service of process, leaving the court no choice but to refuse plaintiff's prayer for relief."

FYI - Under Counsel where it says "Pro Se," that means P represented himself. I'm shocked he couldn't find a lawyer to prsoecute his case, but I guess there was a conflict of interest.

On that note, do you ever worry about your government or the people you share your voting rights with? -Rick

You can download the entire case summary here.

I'm so disappointed to see that these hard earned tax dollars weren't even enough to bring a legitimate lawsuit against Satan himself. I mean, if there is good documentation on anyone doing bad stuff, it's got to be him.

Corrie and I return from our one-year anniversary weekend on Monday night. I should have some great pictures to post Tuesday when I return, but until then, be... well, just be.

Acting The Part: Losing A Desire For Significance

First off, it's been a rough week of moving for Corrie and I, which is the biggest reason that I haven't gotten in any updates this week. So, you can call off the police if you filed a missing person's report, and whoever sent their mafia duo Guido and Guano should know that my cat-like ninja reflexes were a little too much for their "kneecap-baseball-bat-massage." Anyway, thanks for the flowers - I'm back.

This blog topic has been mulling around in my head for quite awhile now, but really was apparent to me after a counseling session I had today. That said, today's blog begins with people I know who are pursuing acting or music careers. Living in LA and knowing at least a dozen people who are working/ trying to work in the entertainment industry go togther like a prune espresso and diarrhea, after all. I have many close friends, and even close family that are in the entertainment industry (just Google "Jill Van Velzer"). I just had lunch this past weekend with one of several friends from high school that is pursuing the dream, and can probably count on all 10 fingers and toes how many fingers and toes that I have (that wasn't related to anything here, it's just an impressive talent I have).

I should also mention that this example of a career field is not entirely unremoved from being personal to me. Yea, in high school and even some in college, I too, participated in several "headline" shows that were almost "internationally acclaimed." My whole family is, in fact, very musical, and although I probably ended up in the shallower end of the gene pool when it comes to talent, if I put on trainer floaties I can at least venture out into the deep end on occasion. For whatever reason, although I inherently enjoy performing as a pure art form (i.e, when I'm getting paid to do it), I never got the "bug" to pursue it for a living. In fact, I think that in some tweaked-out way, if I ever had to do it for a living, I would start to loathe it. I really do consider this a blessing for me, personally, because although I can still enjoy doing it occasionally, I don't feel like I am betraying an inner calling in life not to pursue it professionally.

But there is another regard in which I feel blessed not to be "bitten" with the bug. This is where I am going to offer a statement for anyone reading this that is in the industry: I respect you and what you are trying to accomplish tremendously. The primary reason I am grateful I don't feel like I "should" be pursuing some type of similar career is because I'm not sure I could handle it even if I did - I'm afraid I would run away from that calling like Forrest did from the mean boys throwing rocks. If anything I say below discourages you - please don't let it. I'm really just trying to reflect on something that I've been thinking about for some time.

Although I have many friends in the industry, really, the focus of my thoughts involve my Christian friends in the industry. The reason for this is because Christians in the industry, by enlarge, feel specifically "called" to their career. By "called," I am referring to a God-given sense of purpose in life, fundamentally because there is the sense or knowledge that it relates to the very reason God created you the way He did. It relates to the deep and meaningful fulfillment of gifts that you have been given for a particular purpose. I would argue that everyone has a calling - sometimes that may be to a particular career, and sometimes just to a "type" of work.

The thing with Christian callings in the entertainment industry, however, is that most are not just tied to being in the entertainment industry, but rather having a particular role in helping to transform the entertainment industry itself into something... well, more "Godly." This is usually amplified depending on the extent to which a person is part of a more charismatic church, where I have known many people sum up their calling to acting or performing as "I feel that God has called me to be in the entertainment industry to influence the influencers of Hollywood." If explored a little, this often (though not always) involves them feeling like they are going to achieve a significant level of success within the industry that will give them the means and relationship to do this. We're not talking the success of Pauly Shores here. We're talking: Mel Gibson. Julia Roberts. Madonna. Denzel Washington. Nicole Kidman. Tom Cruise. After all, just look at the positive impact Tom Cruise's passion for Scientology has had on the industry. Practically everyone (and by everyone, I mean Katie Holmes) is converting. If only they were on the right page - think of the influence they would have on peers, viewers, and intelligent, impressionable chimpanzees... (or so the theory goes).

So most (and again, not all) really don't just want a few parts here and there; they want a career in the industry. And even more than a career in the industry (which is no small achievement, mind you - to remain gainfully employed in the 'biz' with any regularity), they want to be the very best - a star or supporting lead in a movie, TV series, or up for at least one Grammy. It's really not about the art form; it's about success in the art form - fabulous, star-level success. It's not just success for its own sake...it is success that is ultimately for a 'greater good,' but it must be success. Very few, when pressed, would say that they would be personally satisfied doing local community theater or extra work in movies or commercials for the span of their career. For some, this is unthinkable anyway - because after all, they are called not just to be in the industry, but to be fabulously successful and influential (for the Glory of God) in the industry.

I wish that I could grant any one of these people their wish. Because I think even if all of them really were called to simultaneously come to a place of fabulous success in their career, it wouldn't be nearly as satisfying as they think. It would be very hard. Money pressures would be constant. Even once you've reached the "top" level - there is no place to go but down, and many fall as quickly as they rise. There is no easy way to go back to normal life after that, either - I mean, do you see Axle Rose or Molly Ringwald turning in applications for a "regular job?" Everywhere they go, they are recognized. They've made enough money to live the rest of their lives without really working (if managed right), but really - are they happy not to be working? How many top celebrities even seem to be happy people?

This blog is not fundamentally about acting or pursuing a career in the industry. I don't write all this as a penned critique of people I know in the industry - if anything, I write it as a critique of myself, and of those of use that are tyrannized by a desire for significance. This blog is about me, and a larger reflection of my own journey to give up dreams of significance. This blog, in fact, comes out of a conversation I had in a counseling session today. Because although I may not be in the industry, I do this all the time: I live with a sense that I have been uniquely designed and created for a deep, meaningful purpose, and I spend most of my time wanting to "already be there." I live in the future of what I think God will do in and through me, and totally miss being myself in the present and enjoying my Father in what He wants to do in me now. Bob Jones once said something like, "Whether your butt is chiseled and shapely, or flat and wrinkly, it's still just a butt," or something like that. It doesn't matter what we do, or how fabulously successful we are: it is about living at peace with ourselves, with a God that IS, and enjoying both in the here and now. Now that's a changed life - not one that causes others to run away screaming or looking confused. I am in a battle to remind myself of this daily - living in any other reality is a false one, and can lead to so much frustration and disappointment that is not ours to carry.

It is shocking how much dysfunction this can lead to. I have known so many (including myself at times) who have felt a profound sense of failure to live up to some standard of achievement, even when we know much better than to think it is about what we can achieve. Here's to all of us finding whatever He has for us today, right now- and not pining away for what we think He wants to give us tomorrow. And for me, right now, that's a trip to the bathroom, and probably a diet coke afterwards. Amen.

Totally Unspiritual Post of the Week, #4

The best part of having a website is that suddenly, all of your friends figure out that they can send you funny or meaningful things to post on it. The worst part of having a website, of course, is that when you get an average of 25,679 unique visitors per day (that number might be slightly exaggerated by a multiple of 1,000), there is a building pressure to be extremely witty, intellectual and spiritual, all while carefully balancing one's body weight between buttcheeks so that neither can quite fall asleep in the time that it takes sitting in front of a computer to keep up a site.

I actually have an abundance of things to share for this week's "totally unspiritual" post, although I'm still only going to share one. I am almost at the point where I don't have to space them out, because I'm receiving enough every week now that I could probably put up a few at a time. So by all means, send in things that you find entertaining or meaningful, and we'll find a home for them here. Assuming you don't send things that are "funny" to you, but "stupid" to me. (Isn't it amazing that the world's most significant leap in communications has simultaneously allowed millions of people to disseminate random humor to the masses? I mean, what kept people entertained 10 years ago?)

So here it is: a customer complaint letter to Continental Airlines. Classic hilarity ensues:














Personally, I believe God gave us the internet precisely because it would be impractical share this letter via fax.

Happy 4th of July to everyone - I hope all the RFL readers have a safe, fun time relaxing with friends and family. And remember, only you can prevent forest fires, but any dumb kid down the street can shoot a roman candle into your cornea. I don't know why you need to remember that, mind you, but you never know when a nugget of wisdom like that might come in handy.