The Confession

This post has been on my conscience for awhile now. It's time that I put this out there, because I feel that as long as I don't say it, I'm being dishonest with anyone who has seen this site. But it's not just me; there are a lot of men that need to publicly confess what I am about to confess. I know what you're thinking, but this time, it's not about my third nipple. I own an XBOX. I am a grown man, and I still play video games. This is my burden.

"I have long feared that my sins would come back to visit me and the cost is more than I can bear." We all know what Mel Gibson meant when he said these lines at the beginning of The Patriot. Mel, like most of us, started gaming when he was just a young lad. For me, it started with my friend's Nintendo when we lived in Nebraska. He even had the little robot that played along with us, and even though it only worked on one game (the original Mario Brothers?) its message was clear: by the time we were adults, we'd be marrying robot wives that would game along with us. My Dad was what I have learned in business school to call an "early adopter" when it came to computers; while most people were still getting over how cool it was to record a tape with a VCR, we had the original Macintosh at home. 10" of gorgeous black and white screen, and hours of fun with Mac Paint (woah, draw a circle again!). I discovered my first flight simulator (Falcon 4.0), the text-based Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Crystal Quest, Return to Dark Castle, and The Space Quest Series while living in England. Final Fantasy III was Jr. High, Civilization II, James Bond, and NFL Blitz were college. Those were years of life, fun, and at least 13,000 deaths.

I have many adult male friends that, when prodded, will sheepishly reveal that they too, still like to game. It's like there is a secret society, and once it's discovered that you both know the handshake, you suddenly have a lot in common. Usually, it's first acknowledged as a no big deal. "Oh sure. I have an XBOX. That Halo 2 game seems pretty cool. Don't have much time to play it though. Work and all." Gradually, it becomes apparent that jobs, sleep, wives, food - everything is structured to support the closet habit. Yep - that nice, successful, accomplished guy you danced with at the wedding this weekend? He’s probably known as "DarkOverlordGonadMashr" online. This society is about as understood amongst women as the neuro-sciences are amongst single-celled organisms. They just don't understand why we enjoy spending our time interacting with a character on a screen, building an empire with enough "Legion" units to conquer the known universe, or shooting at one another online until the invisible in-game commentator unaffectedly groans, "KILLTACULAR."

And I struggle with whether it's something to be ashamed of, or just accepted as a totally ok recreational activity. I mean, I definitely do lots of other “productive” things, and it's not my main recreational activity. But then, how do I retain any dignity admitting that I had a blast this weekend playing game that involved sailing around as a pirate that I (jokingly) named "Capt. Fauntleroy?" Trust me - the game has everything that is fun and cool... pirates, ship battles, dueling, raids, plundering, even wooing the governor's daughter... it's awesome. But is that twinge of guilt from the indulgence to play merited or imposed?

I've come to conclude that it is imposed, and it's okay to enjoy playing these games in moderation, just like most other things (including time spent on this website, for example). This is evident in as much as right now, it's my little dark secret, but when I have kids, I'll be the coolest, most endearing dad around. "My dad can get a headshot on your dad. No seriously- he can. In Halo 5...". Frankly, it's a larger issue of freedom for me, spiritually speaking. If "that which is not done in faith is sin," I want to do it in faith and freedom. I want to be able to play a video game or enjoy a totally mindless action flick without feeling guilty for wasting time, because after all, it is for freedom's sake that Christ set us free. Freedom "just because" - not so we could fit someone's bill of what it means to be "productive." That's amazing. What is productive, anyway? I think it has to do with being thankful in all things, and looking for God in everything we're doing. Some might see that as a cop-out, but I think there is much to discover there. We live in a tyranny of "shoulds." I'd rather live with something closer to "holla!"

We web site people tend to put our best foot forward, which, for computer geeks, is often purple, furry, and tied to a keychain. We choose what content we want to post and what witty subjects we would like to write about. Oh sure, you might think it's easy to sit in our mansions overlooking the ocean, firing off blogs that are humorous, intelligent, moving, and full of incredibly interesting news stories or random links to sites that will captivate you for hours, but the reality is - we filter it all. We're not always witty people. Sometimes we're awfully boring or regular - and let me tell you, I am very regular after a mocha and a breakfast bowl of Kashi GoLean. We sometimes wake up just like the rest of the world, go to the bathroom, and then realize we're still dreaming and have just... oh come on - we've all done it. But what kind of fool would ever admit such a thing in a blog? Who would ever be so stupid as to reveal their secret bedwetting sins to the world?!?

I don't want to make generalizations here, because all people who do are idiots, but it can be a challenge for many, including myself, to write about those things we are not proud to trumpet to the world. I've just confessed a trait that is socially unflattering by many standards. I hope we all find the freedom from those standards today... especially if we're a pirate named Capt. Fauntleroy. Blessings, love, and if you ever run across “PariahRedeemed” on XBOX live... be afraid. Be very afraid. Then send me a friend request.