Revenge of the Script
As usual, today's blog title is a 'double entendre' of sorts; first, if you are a regular to this site, you'll notice something new that has to do with a type of scripting... scrollable menu bars! That's right, I've added these DHTML-scriptacular scrolling menus to make the site navigation a little easier. That way, you don't have to remember what's in all the rooms, as you can get some sense by looking at each major piece of furniture via the menu. Now you can whiz through the house like a five-year old who has just snorted a pixie stick and is looking for some paste to eat...
As for the other script that is worth a short mention, I went and saw Star Wars Episode III, Revenge of the Script (er, Sith) last night for the second time. Now I know that this movie has already been reviewed ad nauseam, but I feel that I have a few original contributions that might be worth a second of your time.
1) WORST. TITLE. EVER.
Did anyone else notice it? Right at the beginning of the movie, just as the music comes in? The movie is named STAR WARS! STAR WARS, people! Hang with me - I've always taken this name mindlessly for granted, but just let it ring in your ears... STAR WARS. It's up there with the worst names ever created for a movie, even a sci-fi. I know it's hard to imagine, but try to picture your reaction to a movie you've never heard of that is called "STAR WARS."
I can see the meeting George had with studio executives now: "Ok folks, we've got options for the name of this movie. There's 'GALAXY BATTLES' or 'SPACE FIGHTING,' Tom suggested 'CELESTIAL CONFLICT,' Dick's wife thought 'ASTRAL ATTACK' had a nice ring to it... and, not to bias anyone, but I came up with 'EMPYREAN BELLIGERENCY.' I think that's a blockbuster title to go with a blockbuster script! [enter janitor named Harrison, background] How about 'Star Wars?'" It's amazing how my brain has been switched off to this travesty for 25 years of life. It's time to free our minds, people.
2) WORST. DIALOGUE. EVER.
I don't even think I need to touch this one, but the bullies made fun of me when I was an ugly junior high kid with nothing going for me, so it's payback time. In order to really appreciate this scene, it has to be re-read in its original context.
I have obtained an EXCULSIVE original draft of the script, and let me tell you, the things that were edited out could have brought home the little-golden-mantle-man for this movie. It more fully expresses the depth of emotion that George wanted to convey in the acting that surely was messed up by some rookie script editor at the last minute:
Only a screenwriter like George can know the frustration of having a masterpiece torn to shreds by an intern proof-reader. Don't give up, George!
3) WORST. CONVERSION-TO-THE-DARKSIDE. EVER.
Did Anakin's betrayal of all that was good, holy, and right seem a little off to anyone else? Here' the actual script excerpt:
What gives? Four lines before he hack's Mace Windex's arm off, Anakin is talking about how killing Palpatine isn't the "Jedi" way. That part of the dialogue should have been Pulp-Fiction style:
3) WORST. SCENE. EVER.
At the end, when Anakin has just had his shiny, black, football helmet strapped on... the operating table lifts up slowly... James Earl Jones rolls his eyes in the sound studio as he says, "Where is Padme? Is she safe? Is she alright?"
I like to call this the "DARTH-CARRIE/FRANKENSTEIN SCENE." Give me a break, George? Things start exploding in the room? He breaks the hand straps, stumbles out on to the floor, and the best you can do is, "NOOOOooooo!"
Well, that's my review of EMPYREAN BELLIGERENCY. As a side note, I did think it was the best of these first three. I thought that Ewan McGreggor valiantly rescued some pretty terrible scenes (ie, most of the movie). And George, now you can start making the movies you want, and you don't have to worry about people not liking them. They probably won't, but at least you won't have to deal with your scripts being ruined by an intern, and you'll never have to take a janitor's suggestion for a movie title again.
As for the other script that is worth a short mention, I went and saw Star Wars Episode III, Revenge of the Script (er, Sith) last night for the second time. Now I know that this movie has already been reviewed ad nauseam, but I feel that I have a few original contributions that might be worth a second of your time.1) WORST. TITLE. EVER.
Did anyone else notice it? Right at the beginning of the movie, just as the music comes in? The movie is named STAR WARS! STAR WARS, people! Hang with me - I've always taken this name mindlessly for granted, but just let it ring in your ears... STAR WARS. It's up there with the worst names ever created for a movie, even a sci-fi. I know it's hard to imagine, but try to picture your reaction to a movie you've never heard of that is called "STAR WARS."
I can see the meeting George had with studio executives now: "Ok folks, we've got options for the name of this movie. There's 'GALAXY BATTLES' or 'SPACE FIGHTING,' Tom suggested 'CELESTIAL CONFLICT,' Dick's wife thought 'ASTRAL ATTACK' had a nice ring to it... and, not to bias anyone, but I came up with 'EMPYREAN BELLIGERENCY.' I think that's a blockbuster title to go with a blockbuster script! [enter janitor named Harrison, background] How about 'Star Wars?'" It's amazing how my brain has been switched off to this travesty for 25 years of life. It's time to free our minds, people.
2) WORST. DIALOGUE. EVER.
PADME: Annie, I want to have our baby back home on Naboo. We could go to the lake country where no one would know . . . where we would be safe. I could go early-and fix up the baby's room. I know the perfect spot, right by the gardens.
ANAKIN: You are so beautiful!
PADME: It's only because I'm so in love . . .
ANAKIN: No, it's because I'm so in love with you.
PADME: So love has blinded you?
ANAKIN: Well, that's not exactly what I meant . . .
PADME: But it's probably true!
They laugh.
I don't even think I need to touch this one, but the bullies made fun of me when I was an ugly junior high kid with nothing going for me, so it's payback time. In order to really appreciate this scene, it has to be re-read in its original context.
I have obtained an EXCULSIVE original draft of the script, and let me tell you, the things that were edited out could have brought home the little-golden-mantle-man for this movie. It more fully expresses the depth of emotion that George wanted to convey in the acting that surely was messed up by some rookie script editor at the last minute:
PADME: Annie, I want to have our love-child back home on Naboo. We could go to the lake country so I could have a water-birth . . . we would be safe. I could go early-and fix up the baby's 'room.' I know the perfect spot, right in the gardens, so he can be raised on granola and pesticide-free foods.
ANAKIN: You are so beautiful!
PADME: No, you're so beautiful!
ANAKIN: Nuh-uh! You're so beautiful!
PADME: Like ever! You are!
PADME: It's only because I'm so in love . . .
ANAKIN: Nuh-uh, it's because I'm so in love with you.
PADME: So love has blinded you?
ANAKIN: Well, that's not exactly what I meant . . . but YES!
PADME: Silly Billy!
They laugh heartily with "HO, HO, HO's."
Only a screenwriter like George can know the frustration of having a masterpiece torn to shreds by an intern proof-reader. Don't give up, George!
3) WORST. CONVERSION-TO-THE-DARKSIDE. EVER.
Did Anakin's betrayal of all that was good, holy, and right seem a little off to anyone else? Here' the actual script excerpt:
[Just as MACE is about to slash PALPATINE, ANAKIN steps in and cuts off the Jedi's hand holding the lightsaber.
As MACE stares at ANAKIN in shock, PALPATINE springs to life.
The full force of Palpatine's powerful Bolts blasts MACE. He attempts to deflect them with his one good hand, but the force is too great. As blue rays engulf his body, he is flung out the window and falls twenty stories to his death. No more screams. No more moans. PALPATINE lowers his arm.]
PALPATINE: Power! Unlimited power!
[His face has changed into a horrible mask of evil. ANAKIN looks on in horror. PALPATINE cackles.]
ANAKIN: What have I done?
ANAKIN sits like he doesn't know how to complete this character transition.
PALPATINE: You are fulfilling your destiny, Anakin. Become my apprentice. Learn to use the dark side of the Force.
ANAKIN: I will do whatever you ask.
PALPATINE: Good.
What gives? Four lines before he hack's Mace Windex's arm off, Anakin is talking about how killing Palpatine isn't the "Jedi" way. That part of the dialogue should have been Pulp-Fiction style:
MACE WlNDU: You Sith disease. I am going to end this once and for all.
ANAKIN: You can't kill him, Master. He must stand trial.
MACE WINDU: He has too much control of the Senate and the Courts. He is too dangerous to be kept alive.
PALPATINE: I'm too weak. Don't kill me. Please.
ANAKIN: It is not the Jedi way . . .
MACE WINDU: Jedi my ass! You're about to cut my arm off sucka, so don't give me that crap. He's one dead $#&!@#*&$!
3) WORST. SCENE. EVER.
At the end, when Anakin has just had his shiny, black, football helmet strapped on... the operating table lifts up slowly... James Earl Jones rolls his eyes in the sound studio as he says, "Where is Padme? Is she safe? Is she alright?"
I like to call this the "DARTH-CARRIE/FRANKENSTEIN SCENE." Give me a break, George? Things start exploding in the room? He breaks the hand straps, stumbles out on to the floor, and the best you can do is, "NOOOOooooo!"
Well, that's my review of EMPYREAN BELLIGERENCY. As a side note, I did think it was the best of these first three. I thought that Ewan McGreggor valiantly rescued some pretty terrible scenes (ie, most of the movie). And George, now you can start making the movies you want, and you don't have to worry about people not liking them. They probably won't, but at least you won't have to deal with your scripts being ruined by an intern, and you'll never have to take a janitor's suggestion for a movie title again.
2 Comments:
Well, Kissyfur, since you just about made me pee laughing, I figured I'd better try my hand at posting a comment.
First off: My own realization of the true putresence of "Star Wars" as a movie title was so surprising and devastating that I missed paying attention to the first five minutes of the film. Dude!! All these years, all the hours spent flinging action figures around the backyard, all the General Mills cereal proofs-of-purchases we saved to mail in for our limited edition Emperor/Han in Endor Gear/Jedi Luke with detachable hand figures, and none of us ever thought to pay attention to the TOTALLY LAME TITLE. Wow, the loss of innocence is painful when it comes...
Also, may I submit an addition to your otherwise-comprehensive list:
WORST. NICKNAME. EVER.
Annie? Yup, THERE'S a good way to establish your identity as the future leader of Evil in the universe. How many stormtroopers do y'reckon he had to do the long-distance-strangly-thingy to before they stopped teasing him about THAT one?
Stormtrooper 1: Dude, Lord Vader's really got a bug up his butt today. What's his prob?
Stormtrooper 2: Oh, something about his dead wife and lost twin kids, probably. Or maybe (snickering) someone called him by his nickname.
Stormtrooper 1: Nickname? Somebody that big and bad-ass has a nickname?
Stormtrooper 2: Well, I heard (snicker, snicker) that back in the old days (snicker, snicker), people used to call him An...(gasp)...can't....breathe.....help...me...(dies)
Stormtrooper 1: Lord Vader! Didn't see you standing there! Your, uh, helmet's looking, uh, really SHINY today...yeah. Good look for you...
In other news: has anyone else noticed that the picture of Bo Bice and Carrie Underwood accompanying the "American Idol" blog entry has a suspiciously familiar figure poking his nose in between our two elaborately-tressed Idol wannabes? Ryan Seacrest, you say? I think NOT! If you'll compare this photo to the pictures taken at Dad's wedding, you'll find that Ryan Seacrest looks remarkably exactly like...CHRIS VAN VELZER!!! Seriously--haircut, benevolent smirk, long black tie--I always knew there was a good reason why I'd never seen Seacrest and my brother in the same place at the same time. Granted, the picture's fuzzy, but a sister knows these things...don't worry, little bro. Your secret's safe with me.
Ha! My own sister has the honor of being the first person to write a comment of substantial length! That's fantastic.
I agree on the "Worst. Nickname. Ever." sentiment completely; the only thing that could have saved it was a reprise of "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow" after Anakin's slaughter at the Jedi temple.
And believe me, if I were Ryan Seacrest, I would know. Probably.
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